Alternate Reality

Apple’s iPhone Tour to Feature the Pope, Simon Cowell

You want guest speakers? You got ’em. Apple’s aiming high with its iPhone Tech Talk World Tour 2009 — and only eSarcasm has the juicy details about what’s in store.

By (@JRRaphael)

October 21, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Note: The following is from a soon-to-be-released official flyer for Apple’s upcoming iPhone World Tour event.*

Apple's iPhone Tech Talk Tour 2009Hey, Apple developers! Are you ready to learn the many things you can’t do on the iPhone platform? Do you want to gain valuable insights into the lack of valuable insights surrounding our app approval process? Then look no further — the iPhone Tech Talk World Tour 2009 is here.

The iPhone Tech Talk World Tour, announced this week, will bring Apple’s finest tyrants liaisons to cities around the globe from now through December. The tour will make nine stops across North America, Europe, and Asia, offering day-long seminars jam-packed with expert advice for iPhone developers.

“We want to be sure our developers are comfortable with the communist-style experience we provide,” says Apple Director of Developer Relations Kimberly Jongil. “It’s important to us to reach out to our community so everyone fully understands how we’ll be oppressing them in the future.”

The iPhone Tech Talk events will be filled with informative workshops led by some of the world’s most highly regarded orators. Among the sessions set to be offered:

  • Coping With Rejection: Former presidential candidate and acclaimed speaker Al Gore will discuss how to handle being denied opportunities without explanation. Recommended for all iPhone app developers.
  • Steve Jobs Pendant

  • Idol Worship: Pope Benedict XVI will be joined by popular television personality Simon Cowell to help you understand the value of deifying and worshipping a clearly flawless leader. Mandatory Steve Jobs pendants will be made available to all attendees for $198.97 (hey, it’s still cheaper than an iPhone).
  • Ask Not, Die Not: In a special limited-seating session, Chinese President Hu Jintao will provide context to Apple’s culture of secrecy and dissemination of misleading information. Please note: No questions will be taken.

Tickets for the iPhone Tech Talk World Tour are now available on Apple’s Developer Connection site. As a convenience, registering will automatically authorize Apple to go through all of your belongings so the company can determine what items you should and should not have in your personal possession.

*The flyer, we should explain, was mysteriously found in eSarcasm’s kitchen garbage disposal (along with some delicious leftover hummus — we have no idea why anyone would’ve thrown that out). Unfortunately, we’re pretty sure no one from Apple was actually involved in its creation.

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