This Just In: Plastic Wrap Is Not a Condom

We see some strange press releases at the eSarcasm World Headquarters. Rarely, however, do they grab our attention like this.

By (@JRRaphael)

February 3, 2009

Warning: The following information may totally kill your weekend plans. Are you really ready for this?

Seriously. Once you’ve processed this knowledge, you can never go back. Ever.

Okay, if you’re sure…


Plastic Wrap Is Not a CondomIt’s shocking, we know. We were surprised to encounter that sentence, too, especially in a headline within an otherwise dull stack of press releases.

The release came — er, bad word choice there. Let’s start that sentence again. The press release arrived to us from STD Test Express, a Web-based company that admirably tries to get you to protect your fun zones while grinding naughty parts. The organization is publicizing a new series of “myth-busting” videos on its Web site, each of which tackles an apparently common misconception about the risks of intimate ticklin’.

We here at eSarcasm are all for safe sex, even if the rest of you rubes are too proud to peel on a rubber. So, since the STD Express delivered this oddly amusing piece of literature to our front door — yes, front door, thankyouverymuch — we thought we’d highlight some of the “top STD myths” described within. Consider our colorful commentary a free bonus.

Myth #1: Plastic wrap is not a condom.

It will, however, keep your penis incredibly fresh.

Myth #2: You can’t get an STD from oral sex.

But you can get permission to send out a mid-BJ message of celebration.

Myth #3: If you have an STD, you’ll see it, feel it and know it.

If for some reason you do, you might also want to go ahead and name it. We suggest “Clancy.”

Myth #4: If you have sex in a hot tub, the chlorine will kill anything and everything.

Also a myth: Puppies can’t get into hot tubs. They can, and boy do they ever splash.

Myth #5: You can only get herpes when your partner is having an outbreak that you can see.

You just never know what kind of nasty diseases are hiding inside. Especially when your partner is plastic wrap — believe us, that shit gets around.

(Image:, with our apologies)

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  • wendywhy

    Thanks, I'm never having sex again!

  • Kyle

    Where did you find these myths? They are too funny.

    • Let's just say that our office stocks plenty of Reynolds Wrap.

  • How about adding this myth that was brought to my attention from a recent caller, “you can't pass on an STD unless you know that you have it.”

    – Kevin from

  • i remember hearing in college that if you ran out of dental dams, just use plastic wrap……. so much for that sexual educator's theory. lol

  • i remember hearing in college that if you ran out of dental dams, just use plastic wrap……. so much for that sexual educator's theory. lol

  • yeah. good post. Thanks for sharing

  • Jo_ee2000

    MYTH #3 is false… You don’t always know you have an STD. Some women and men get HPV, some men may flush it out through urine, some dont and turns into cancer later the thing is as a man you can be diagnosed with the std unless you get the HPV that involves herpes. In women, they can be diagnosed through a pap-smear, them as we’ll can have genital warts or worse HPV come in the form of cervical cancer, in women the disease doesn’t flush out like it does in males. The reason I know this is because my fiancé was pregnant, do to unemployment she never had insurance so she couldn’t have periodic check ups. Until she got pregnant, she had her first pap-smear and we find out she not only had HPV with small traces of cancer cell, not enough to be considered cancer and chlamydia. We have been together 8years and not sure if I contacted the diseases or her. We were told that the disease had been there a while (not new). So in that being said, everything has been treated, we did lose the baby probably cause of the STD’s, this is why Myth #3 is not accurate. Go get tested before having sex with someone. I know I had walked around for at least 8 years not knowing I had anything.