This Just In: Plastic Wrap Is Not a Condom

We see some strange press releases at the eSarcasm World Headquarters. Rarely, however, do they grab our attention like this.

By (@JRRaphael)

February 3, 2009

Warning: The following information may totally kill your weekend plans. Are you really ready for this?

Seriously. Once you’ve processed this knowledge, you can never go back. Ever.

Okay, if you’re sure…


Plastic Wrap Is Not a CondomIt’s shocking, we know. We were surprised to encounter that sentence, too, especially in a headline within an otherwise dull stack of press releases.

The release came — er, bad word choice there. Let’s start that sentence again. The press release arrived to us from STD Test Express, a Web-based company that admirably tries to get you to protect your fun zones while grinding naughty parts. The organization is publicizing a new series of “myth-busting” videos on its Web site, each of which tackles an apparently common misconception about the risks of intimate ticklin’.

We here at eSarcasm are all for safe sex, even if the rest of you rubes are too proud to peel on a rubber. So, since the STD Express delivered this oddly amusing piece of literature to our front door — yes, front door, thankyouverymuch — we thought we’d highlight some of the “top STD myths” described within. Consider our colorful commentary a free bonus.

Myth #1: Plastic wrap is not a condom.

It will, however, keep your penis incredibly fresh.

Myth #2: You can’t get an STD from oral sex.

But you can get permission to send out a mid-BJ message of celebration.

Myth #3: If you have an STD, you’ll see it, feel it and know it.

If for some reason you do, you might also want to go ahead and name it. We suggest “Clancy.”

Myth #4: If you have sex in a hot tub, the chlorine will kill anything and everything.

Also a myth: Puppies can’t get into hot tubs. They can, and boy do they ever splash.

Myth #5: You can only get herpes when your partner is having an outbreak that you can see.

You just never know what kind of nasty diseases are hiding inside. Especially when your partner is plastic wrap — believe us, that shit gets around.

(Image:, with our apologies)

Get fresh geek humor delivered daily: RSS | E-Mail | Twitter