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Cell Phone Etiquette: 26 Simple Rules

Your cell phone habits are simply horrendous. Mortifying, really. Do us all a favor and commit to these 26 rules of cell phone etiquette. The world will thank you.

By (@eSarcasm)

December 29, 2009

Cell Phone EtiquetteSometimes it seems cell phones are the slutty girls of the 21st century. They’re loud, they’re flashy — and let’s face it, no matter how hot they seem, they’re all attainable if you have enough money. Plus, we say we hate them, but deep down, we’re all just dying to tap ’em every chance we get.

From this love-hate relationship, one thing is clear: It’s high time we set some boundaries when it comes to using these little devices in our pants. (Cell phones, you pervert — sheesh, grow some self-esteem.) A recent survey by Intel and Harris Interactive found Americans are plenty pissed with people’s poor mobile-tech habits. We decided to take their biggest beefs, throw in a few of our own, and create the end-all list of cell phone etiquette.

Here, then, are eSarcasm’s 26 rules of proper protocol. Your cooperation is greatly appreciated.

Rules 1 and 2

• It’s not OK to text during a date.
• But it is OK to send a celebratory “WOO HOO!” while getting a BJ. (Just don’t send it to the same person who’s bobbing your knob.)

Rules 3 and 4

• You shouldn’t be embarrassed to check your e-mail on a holiday.
• Unless you work for Yahoo or TechCrunch, in which case you should be in a constant state of shame.

Rules 5 and 6

• Acceptable: Anally inserting your cell phone for purposes of sexual stimulation.
• Unacceptable: Taking calls by clenching your butt cheeks.

Rules 7 and 8

Jesus Cell Phone

• Obnoxious: Bragging about your new iPhone.
• Ridiculous: Bragging about your new Windows Mobile phone.

Rules 9 and 10

• Texting during church services: Strictly forbidden.
Sexting during church services: Fine.* (You have our number, right?)

Rules 11 and 12

• Don’t: Walk around while talking.
• Exception: If there’s a brick wall in your path. That kind of karma is too good to pass up.

Rules 13 and 14

• Uncool: Discussing your girlfriend’s naughty bits on your phone’s Twitter app.
• Cool: Doing it in DMs to us (@eSarcasm).

Rules 15 and 16

• Marginal: Wearing a Bluetooth earpiece in public.
• Frightening: Wearing a Bluetooth earpiece in public to disguise the fact that you’re arguing with the invisible people who live inside your brain.

Rules 17 and 18

• Don’t: Text people who are within speaking distance of you.
• Do: Speak to people who aren’t within speaking distance of you. It makes you look crazier than the invisible-brain-people guy, and that level of insanity is hilarious.

Rules 19 and 20

• Bad: Discussing private medical matters in public. We can hear you.
• Good: Discussing private sexual matters in public.* We can hear you! Funeral Texting

Rules 21 and 22

• Poor taste: Texting during a funeral service.
• Supernaturally poor taste: Texting during your own funeral service.

Rules 23 and 24

• Don’t: Make calls while on the office shitter.
• Do: Take shits on the office phones.

Rules 25 and 26

• Disallowed: Using your phone for any reason while in a movie theater.
• Exception: See Rule 2.

*Hot chicks only, please.

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