Rants In Our Pants

Verizon to Apple: Suck on This, Fanboys

Verizon hopes to fill a void with The Motorola Droid, boasting about all things it does that the iPhone iDon’t. Here are 25 things we don’t do either.

By (@eSarcasm)

October 19, 2009

Hey, we love a good cat fight as much as the next guy. And if anyone should get into a hair pulling, face-clawing, blood-on-the-floor tussle, it might as well be Apple and Verizon.

Verizon has taken a shot at Apple with a clever commercial titled “iDon’t” that points out everything its new Android 2.0-powered phone, The Motorola Droid, does that the iPhone does not.


The Droid Web site, on the other hand, looks like it was constructed by the Arnold Schwarzenneger character from Terminator I (not the lovable Teutonic hero of Terminators 2 & 3). And then there’s the rather ambitious claim they appear to be making:

“Don’t you wish you had a robot sidekick that moved at light speed, could get you out of any problem, and lived in your pocket?”


You betcha. And if it vibrated at precisely 200 kilohertz, we’d be singing “Jizz in My Pants.”

However, we’ll believe that claim the day our cell phones a) fix our traffic tickets, b) get us laid, or c) explain to our significant others how we managed to get laid when they weren’t in the room.

Also, the name: Droid is just a little too close to the ‘Noids, that execrable marketing campaign Domino’s Pizza foisted on us in the late ’80s. We’ve been Avoiding the Noids – and Domino’s – ever since.
the noids

Still, anyone willing to make fun of Apple, thus taking some of the heat off us, is OK in our book. In fact, we liked the idea so much we made our own little list of things we at eSarcasm don’t or won’t do.


… eat our own filth

… eat other people’s filth (unless it’s high-quality imported filth)

… give even the tiniest shit about Jon and Kate Gosselin
sister bearlesque

… believe anything Michael Arrington writes unless he’s got a station wagon full of nuns as witnesses, and the nuns have all passed lie detector tests, and they can prove they’re really nuns and not just guys dressed up like nuns

… party with Lindsay Lohan (and not just because she hasn’t asked us to yet)

… pretend our six-year-old son is piloting a helium balloon at 10,000 feet when we’ve really just stashed him inside a cardboard box in the attic

… name any child ‘Falcon’

vomit and/or fart loudly on national television (but there’s still time)

… live blog Apple’s earnings announcements

… let friends use AOL

… post nude pix of ourselves on Flickr. Isn’t that why God invented MySpace?

… speculate over which no-name actor/model/general douchebag is statutorily “not having sex” with Miley Cyrus

… have posters of Megan Fox on our cubicle walls*

… DM Ashton Kutcher on Twitter

… claim to be close personal friends with Ashton Kutcher just because he responded to one of our DMs (OK, we lied)

… understand why anyone over the age of 12 ever reads Digg

… use the word “manscape” 

… watch any program that uses the word “cougar” in its title and isn’t on Animal Planet

… practice any form of Tantric sex. If that’s what you need, call Sting. We’re sure he’d happily oblige after he’s done manscaping

… post photos of much hotter guys on Hot or Not and pretend they’re us

… actually know what ‘fo shizzle ma nizzle’ means

… purchase any fragrance based on a character from “Sex and the City.” Whatever that smells like cannot be good

… attend launch parties for mediocre operating systems

… cream our jeans over every new fucking cell phone to hit the market

… own iPhones. Not that they aren’t cool and all. But there’s no way we’re paying AT&T $80 a month for anything

Is there anything you don’t do? Post them below. The most creative responses will qualify for fabulous prizes.**

* But only because we don’t have cubicles.

** Fabulousness not guaranteed.

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  • wendywhy

    Thanks guys, for pouring salt in my iphone wound! Next your gonna tell me that the Android nets you $80 a month! Grr I'm gonna go play doodle jump :)

    • playing doodle jump nets us $120 a month.

  • richieboy

    A mac is a mac. Apple is a apple. iPhone is a iphone
    When your# 1 they try to shoot you down

  • richieboy

    Mac is a mac apple is apple iPhone is a iPhone
    When your # 1 they always try to shoot you down

    • and as Freud once said, “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.”

      of course, he never met Bill Clinton.

    • I read that as “Mac is a mac apple. Is apple iPhone an iPhone?”
      Punctuation. It exists for a reason.

  • Name

    wait, macs are number 1? when did that happen?

  • me5647

    When apple joins walmart, they'll take the world (a thousand scream, 3 billion cheer)

    • and the other 3.5 billion say, WTF?

    • Disciplyne

      I don't think apple can qualify, they are still just assembled in Taiwan AFAIK. They'd have to switch to “Made in China” first. OH wait, maybe that's the NeXT big thing!

  • kmik

    iDon't post my oh-so-private and personal rules of abstinence to qualify for fabulous prizes.

    • well then you won't win, will ya? we want to know all about your abstinence. come on, spill.

      • kmik

        lol, and sacrifice my irony? Sorry, that's REALLY going against my principles.

        • Wasn't “Sacrifice My Irony” a song by Creed? I KNOW “Going Against My Principles” was.

  • thebballkid

    Everything listed in the “iPhone doesn't” commercial Nokia has been doing for ages now. While the world is enjoying awesome technology and phones and gadgets, the US is fighting if Steve Jobs has a bigger penis than Bill Gates/Steve Balmer.

    That is exactly why this country is losing the title “technology leader” mighty fast. Wake up people!!!

    • Anonymous

      Wait, are you saying that Bill Gates's and Steve Balmer's penises are the same size?

  • thebballkid

    Haha, i don't know man, but from your outrage sounds like you might. Don't have to share it tho, just keep it to yourself :)

  • Anonymous

    Wait, are you saying that Bill Gates's and Steve Balmer's penises are the same size?

  • thebballkid

    Haha, i don't know man, but from your outrage sounds like you might. Don't have to share it tho, just keep it to yourself :)

  • I decided to compile a list for you of the Top 5 RPGs for each console and handheld currently on the market. Why leave someone out who doesn't own a PS2? So, I listed them all.