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Rack Science: Sizing Her Up By Her Breasts

That hot girl’s bra holds more than just two handfuls of fun. Dr. Smartass explains what breast size and shape can tell you about a woman.

By (@doctorsmartass)

October 18, 2009

Got a question for Dr. Smartass? E-mail doc [at] esarcasm.com.

Dr. SmartassI may be a (non-board-certified) physician, but that doesn’t mean I’m here only to share medical knowledge.

I specialize in Intercoursial Studies, you see, primarily as a result of my personal hobbies and interests. As a veteran virtual doctor, though, I come across all kinds of fascinating cases — everything from research showing the legitimate value of Internet porn to analyses of what passwords reveal about personalities.

Put simply, I always stay abreast of the latest and greatest scientific info. And that brings us to this week’s reader question.

Dear Dr. Smartass,

When it comes to women’s breasts, what is more important: shape or size?


Ah, Mike, your query is wise. After all, overly pointy parts can cause Lil’ Mike to deflate faster than you can say “better be a B cup.”

Breast Size and ShapeYou may be pleased to know, then, that both shape and size are important when it comes to the ladies’ lovelies. Many biologists believe large and shapely breasts serve as a signal for men that a woman is young and fertile. (Modern society translation: You know she’s hot and puts out, and you’d damn well better wear a rubber.)

Of course, the proof is in the padding. A study from the University of Liverpool found women with symmetrical and sizable breasts are more likely to be snatched up and to get knocked up, thanks largely to their massive mounds of beautiful DNA.

From the study:

  • “Asymmetry was lower in married women compared to unmarried women and negatively related to offspring number.”

    If lefty and righty match up, marriage rates shoot up — and married men shoot off.

  • “Women with ‘good genes’ are able to produce symmetric breasts despite the presence of large quantities of estrogen. Large and symmetric breasts are therefore honest signals of high phenotypic quality in women.”Breast Research

    The eyes may be the window to the soul, but the breasts are the window to the genes (relevant especially if you’re trying to get in her jeans). So stare away, dear friends, and share this knowledge the next time an attractive lady questions your gaze.


Size and shape may tell you a lot,
But there’s only so much you can see through a top.
The wisest way to fully assess,
Is to get the girl home and take off her dress.

Until next time,

Dr. Smartass

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