Rants In Our Pants

They’ve Got Booze Coming Out of Their Ass

A shot dispenser shaped like a woman’s bottom with the spigot coming out of you-know-where? Yes, Western Civilization has reached its nadir. Meet The Ass machine.

By (@tynanwrites)

October 18, 2009

the ass shot machineI don’t know about you, but I’ve always harbored a secret fantasy about slurping booze directly from someone’s anus. There’s nothing like a cool frosty libation coming out of a dookie chute to make you feel like partying until your arteries burst.

Now, finally, my dream has been realized.

Thanks to LoveVoodoo.com, an “adult lifestyle dating” destination, you may soon walk into your favorite sleazy pickup joint high-class nightspot and encounter “The Ass.”

Per the Web site:

This model has an all aluminum base for years of use. It is covered in timeless candy apple red paint and features a beautiful waterfall and light show with a faux ice sculpted water basin which was cast in liquid acrylic. … The aluminum bucket holds large amounts of ice to keep the shots cold. The shot is manually poured into an aluminum funnel inside the bucket which then travels through an aluminum tube and exits through the fiberglass ass and into the mouth, or cup, of the waiting participant.

There’s even a place for bar owners to put their own tramp stamp, just where you’d expect it.

extreme shot machine breasts

The Ass, as creator Tom Bostic tells us, is taken from a plaster cast made of his wife’s own firm-yet-non-adhesive derriere. (Tommy also made another machine made from a cast of his wife’s breasts. One can only imagine the pickup lines that led to this relationship. But I digress.)

extreme shot machine

Then there’s the ne plus ultra of alcohol delivery systems, “The Extreme,” which involves an actual human sitting in the machine, legs akimbo, while the slurper imbibes from a tube conveniently placed next to that person’s nether bits. I see a direct application for bus stations, airport lounges, doctor’s offices — the possibilities are endless.

Two tequila ass shots, bartender. And don’t forget to salt the rim.

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