Alternate Reality

AT&T to Google: Hands Off Our Sisters, Mister

AT&T has accused Google of discriminating against Benedictine nuns. We spoke with Sister Mary Immaculata about what the search giant has against them.

By (@tynanwrites)

October 15, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

nuns on stoolsIn its Net Neutrality battle against Google, AT&T is bringing in the big guns — or rather, the big nuns.

In a 13-page letter to the FCC, Ma Bell’s bastard child argued that Google should be forced to follow the same rules and regulations AT&T routinely flaunts must adhere to. The telecom giant is calling upon the FCC to use its mighty mildly abrasive regulatory powers to keep Google from restricting Google Voice calls to rural areas, which it claims Google is doing willy nilly (and sometimes higgledy piggledy).

Google on the other hand, claims it is merely protecting itself against purveyors of phone sex, cheap conference calling services, and other evil doers that inhabit our nation’s armpits boondocks hinterlands.

Among the victims of Google’s evil machinations, according to AT&T:

“…an ambulance service, church, bank, law firm, automobile dealer, day spa, orchard, health clinic, tax preparation service, community center, eye doctor, tribal community college, school, residential consumers, a convent of Benedictine nuns, and the campaign office of a Member of the U.S. House of Representatives.”

Yes, you read that right. Google is putting the screws to an entire convent of Benedictine Nuns. No not in that way, you filthy minded heathen. The search colossus is denying Jesus’s black-clad harem the right to use Google Voice, forcing them to use an expensive yet inferior voice service (like, say, AT&T’s).

The letter is a little vague as to who these injured parties are or where they’re located. It also fails to explain whether any of these people actually know enough about Google Voice to want to use it. No matter, because we managed to track down the very nuns in question.

eSarcasm sat for a chat with Sister Mary Immaculata of our Ladies of the Perpetual Spin Cycle, a small order located in a remote corner of the Catholic Empire.

e: Sister Mary, thank you for making time for us.

It is my duty to serve.

e: What’s your beef with Google Voice?

Very simply speaking….we are a very small order, not at all well endowed – well, Sister Carlotta used to be an exotic dancer, but that’s a discussion for another time – and every penny counts. We need Google Voice to keep our costs down.

e: But do you really use the phone that much?

Why yes. We use the phone 24/7. It’s hard not to when you operate a phone sex line.

e: I beg your pardon?

When people wish to have sex outside the holy bonds of matrimony they call 1-800-ABSTAIN, and one of the sisters tries to talk them out of it. It’s more of a no-sex line, really. But sometimes the calls can get pretty racy, if you know what I mean. After one particularly steamy session we had to dunk Sister Katherine in a tub of ice water for 30 minutes. She still gets hot flashes every time the phone rings.

e: But isn’t the primary purpose of a phone sex line to —

— help the wicked spilleth their seed upon the earth? Of course. I wasn’t born a nun. I had six older brothers. There wasn’t a moment of my youth when one of them wasn’t whackin’ it. And the priests! Don’t get me started. Still, there are sins and there are sins. We’ll take the left hand of darkness over the mark of the double-backed beast.

e: So Google won’t help you out because of all that seed spilling.

You got it.

e: Couldn’t you ask the Pope to intervene?

Well, we called Steve Jobs and left a message. But we understand Apple and Google are on the outs. Now it’s in God’s hands. Or at least the FCC’s.

e: Thank you sister.

Bless you, my son. We’ll pray for you.

Photos: eBaumsWorld and two other places I forget.

Get fresh geek humor delivered daily: RSS | E-Mail | Twitter