God Wants You to Buy This Doll
Thou shalt worship no graven images, the Lord sayeth. But call now and you can get this attractive line of Christian dolls for the low low price of only $14.98!
We finally have a solution to the Barbie problem, thank God.
For almost 50 years, wasp-waisted, large-breasted 12-inch tall blondes with ambiguous sexual characteristics have been dragging this country down the path of wickedness.
Now Kerusso, the “leading producer of Christian-themed apparel in the US,” has come up with a plan to save us: The God’s Girlz dolls.
Per the press release:
Research compiled by the leading producer of Christian-themed apparel in the United States continues to reveal that mothers feel uncomfortable with the risqué fashions and body shapes that many fashion dolls display. As a result, Kerusso has expanded its 12-inch fashion doll line with the newest figure named “Imani,” meaning “faith.”
The Imani fashion doll joins Kerusso’s best-selling line, which includes other fashion dolls, “Sarah,” “Abigail” and “Hannah.” Imani is a beautiful, African-American young lady that girls will identify with in a very positive, godly way.
“As a faith-based company, we feel we will make a positive contribution to the little girls of this generation with modest, yet fashionable, contemporary fashion dolls with positive virtues,” said Vic Kennett, Kerusso president and chief executive officer.
Kennett failed to elaborate on how plastic figurines obtain or express virtues. However, eSarcasm has learned that, unlike those slutty Bratz dolls, the God’s Girlz will practice strict abstinence. That means in about six months Kerusso should be coming out with a new series of dolls titled “Knocked Up By Jesus.”
Hey, every girl needs a role model. By emulating these plastic, empty-headed toys, someday they too could grow up to be Michelle Bachman.
(eSarcasm has been unable to determine whether Jesus plans to endorse this product. Calls to Mr. Christ’s office had not been returned by press time.)
Editor’s Note: The Kerusso site also sells something called “Fireproof Movie Apparel.” Because you never know when hellfire will start raining down on the heathens, and you’ll need to make it out of the movie theatre in one piece so the Rapture can find you.
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