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Four Hot iPhone Apps for Bro’s and Ho’s

Pepsi apologized for releasing a ‘sexist’ iPhone app after feminists howled. We say, bring it on. If you liked AMP UP, you’ll love Ho-B-gone, iPhat, and Femi-none.

By (@tynanwrites)

October 13, 2009

amp up before you score for iphonePepsi found itself in hot water with feminists this week, thanks to an iPhone app designed to promote the company’s AMP energy drink by helping guys get laid.

AMP UP Before You Score helpfully divides the fairer sex into 24 types (like Cougar, Princess, and Women’s Studies Major) then offers appropriate pick-up lines and other useful intel. For example, you can bone up with a brief history of late 70’s British bands when you encounter Punk Rock Girl, or get a map to nearby vegan restaurants when Treehugger wanders into your wheelhouse.

The app also lets you brag after you bag via Facebook and Twitter.

Unfortunately for Pepsi, it managed to anger the 51 percent of the population not in AMP’s target market – especially the subscribers to Jezebel, a women’s blog owned by Gawker Media. We quote:

[T]hings like this … are completely unacceptable and ridiculously offensive. This is a program sponsored by a major corporation that encourages men to look at women as objects to be won, used, and tossed away after a “victory” is obtained, and the more normalized things like this becomes, the worse off we’re all going to be.

Our first reaction? Where was this app when we were single? We were shocked and appalled. Any app that treats women as mere sexual playthings to be used over and over and over in a relentless pounding torrent of passion until you both collapse in a sweaty sticky heap on the carpet, well, that’s just disgusting.

Remember: She may dress like a Tijuana hooker and text you things like “FMLTWIA,” but deep down she really craves respect. We get that.

The real problem with AMP UP is that it doesn’t go beyond the initial score — when men need the most help. Fortunately, that’s where we come in. Here are four iPhone apps we’d build if we knew jack about programming:

Ho-B-Gone: If you thought getting her to your apartment last night was tough, try getting her out the morning after. Surprisingly, many women expect you to talk to them after a night of casual meaningless sex. Some may even want breakfast. This app generates realistic sound clips that make her think leaving is her idea: loud belching noises, voice mails from other girls, and that timeless classic, “Ding dong, my mother’s at the door.” She’ll be gone before you can say “What was your name again?”
Cougar Card - Amp Up

WAYTA-go. For those tender post-coital moments when she asks the inevitable question (“What are you thinking about?”). This app automatically generates the answer she wants to hear, so you don’t have to tell her what you’re really thinking about (how hot last night’s waitress was, whether the Lakers can pull off a repeat, etc). Phrase it with the just the right amount of false sincerity and you could earn a special wake-up call from Madame Tonsils.

iPhat. Does that dress make her look fat? Hell no. It’s those pints of Chunky Monkey she’s been applying directly to her thighs for the past ten years. Say that out loud, though, and you might as well cut the boys off and hang them on your rear-view mirror. This app provides clever conversational workarounds that allow you to respond without actually lying. If all else fails, press the “911” button and iPhat phones in a bomb threat, instantly clearing the building.

Femi-none. You’ve got a penis, which can only mean one thing: she hates you. This early warning app uses the iPhone’s camera and a proprietary ugly-shoes identification algorithm to detect angry feminists within a 300-yard radius, then displays a map showing the fastest escape routes.

FYI, we’re just kidding. (And so is AMP, we suspect.) If you don’t think any of this is the least bit funny, well, maybe you really need to get laid.

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