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5 Reasons Internet Porn Is Good For America

Some say the Web’s proliferation of porn is eating away at America’s morals. Dr. Smartass, however, says it’s making us better citizens — and he has the hard data to prove it.

By (@doctorsmartass)

October 11, 2009

Got a question for Dr. Smartass? E-mail doc [at] esarcasm.com.

Dr. SmartassFeeling guilty for wasting hours away in front of the boob tube? Not the television, mind you, but the various x-rated “tube” sites scattered all over the Net? Well, you may not need to feel bad at all: It turns out Internet porn may have a positive effect on society.

Lest you think you’re the only one who questions his devotion to the babes of Web Land, let’s head to my trusty inbox for this week’s inquiry:

Dear Dr. Smartass,

I know I look at too much online porn, and sometimes I feel kind of dirty afterward. But when my girlfriend saw my browser history, she freaked out. She says porn encourages promiscuity, rape, and all sorts of other crap. PLEASE help me prove her wrong.

-Quentin

My dear Quentin, I feel your pain. Your throbbing, rock hard pain just begging for your lady’s touc– er, sorry. Scrap that last part. Been watching a bit too much of the ol’ bouncy-bounce myself.

My good Q, if you’ve read my columns for long, you know you don’t have to twist my arm to get me to scream “YES! OH YES!” when it comes to the subject of sexual exploration. But as we know, pornography can be a hairy and emotional topic to discuss. To erect an impartial wall of evidence showing porn’s positive potential, let’s turn to some hard data that’ll help you drive home the point.

A recent analysis looked at how sexual behaviors have shifted since porn became more accessible with the advent of the Internet (God bless that day). It found five significant changes from the pre-Internet-porn days to now:

Internet Porn and America

  1. Measures of “sexual irresponsibility” have gone down (pardon the term). Researchers measure this by looking at unwanted pregnancies and STD transmissions, both of which have fallen by more than 50 percent since the early 90s.
  2. Teen sex has also somehow become less common, falling 7 percent from 1991 to 2005. Granted, the horny buggers are all sexting, but that’s typically a no-contact sport.
  3. Among teens who are doing the nasty, 16 percent more are wearing condoms now than in the pre-online porn era. Latex has never been so stylish!
  4. America’s divorce rate has dropped by almost a quarter since video porn became readily available online.
  5. Even rates of sexual assault — something some people claim pornography encourages — have fallen by 44 percent since 1995.

Whether watching people boff on the Net directly caused all those things is a matter of debate, but one thing’s for certain: As porn has become more prominent in our society, gauging by these numbers, the world has become a more sexually responsible place. How about them apples?

Internet Porn SaluteSo, sir Q, bring this knowledge to your fine female companion and see if that calms her concerns. If not, I have one final prescription for you: private-browsing mode.

Remember:

Looking at porn shouldn’t be such a stress,
Even if it does often cause quite a mess.
Cover your tracks and it won’t need be known,
Who or what you just watched getting blown.

Until next time,

Dr. Smartass






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Comments

  • http://www.wealthy-grampa.com Wealthy Grampa

    Internet porn is great for America and the rest of the world because it brings all us perverts together for one common cause.
    Internet porn is great for America and the rest of the world because it allows the couch potatoes like me to exercise my wrists now and then. My wrists, hands, and arms are in fantastic shape but out of proportion to my beer belly.

  • captain_crunch

    Please please identify the awesome hotness wearing the USA stars bra! :D
    and also the other chick please….

    excellent article as always! :)

    • http://twitter.com/DoctorSmartass Dr. Smartass

      Hang on there, cap'n — you mean to tell me they have names, too?

  • Eugene

    Um…and why is this considered satire? There's empirical evidence out there to support these claims. I mean, seriously, hundreds of years of religious and/or state control of your sexual organs just doesn't cut it in the modern age. Get it on!!! >:)~

    • http://twitter.com/DoctorSmartass Dr. Smartass

      Satire? Who said anything about satire?

      Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go perform some additional research. First-hand, of course.

  • Eugene

    Um…and why is this considered satire? There's empirical evidence out there to support these claims. I mean, seriously, hundreds of years of religious and/or state control of your sexual organs just doesn't cut it in the modern age. Get it on!!! >:)~

  • http://twitter.com/DoctorSmartass Dr. Smartass

    Satire? Who said anything about satire?

    Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go perform some additional research. First-hand, of course.

  • death

    Lol…what a bunch of bullshit. Next you will be writing about how child porn is good for america too…keep your dicks down you horny bastards!!!!

    • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

      damn. the last thing we’d want to do is piss off somebody named “death.” we’ll remove this post immediately. anything else we can do for you, sir?

  • Spam@yahoo.com

    Chick with white bikini is xoxo leah ( beautiful but hard to find)

  • http://www.webcamporn.mobi/ save_me_from_iphone_porn

    Porn is great for any country especially now that it can be viewed on an iPhone!

  • Kevin Hamilton

    Internet porn is awesome! Keeps me from having to waste money on buying bar skanks drinks. Some nights, I frankly don’t feel like putting up with all their shit and would prefer to stay home and unload my gun myself. :D