Alternate Reality

Ask.com Searches For Any Remaining Users

New report shows no human visitors to search site since 2004; Jeeves last spotted bronzed and shirtless in Kentucky.

By (@jr_raphael)

October 7, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Ask.com is currently searching for any users who still use its service, the company said this week.

The once-relevant search engine is launching a worldwide mission to locate anyone who has visited its site within the past five years. News of the project first reached media outlets via a press release sent out Tuesday. The release touted a new “Ask Deals” coupon-searching database, but representatives now confirm its actual purpose was to catch the attention of any current Ask.com users so they could be identified and hand-counted.

Ask.com Search Engine

“As far as we can tell, not a single real person has navigated to Ask.com since March of 2004,” a spokesperson says. “Hell, even those of us who work here use Google.”

Recent stats from Web metrics firm Net Applications show Ask.com holding about 0.58 percent of the global search market. An exclusive analysis by eSarcasm’s patented Bullshit Translator 2.0™ technology, however, reveals 0.32 percent come from bots, 0.14 percent from Plejaren aliens, and the remaining 0.12 percent from a proxy server simply labeled “JEEVES.”

Where Is Jeeves?(Former Ask.com mascot Jeeves was last seen working as a lifeguard in Paducah, Kentucky. He could not immediately be reached for comment.)

“What’s really depressing is when all these cookie-cutter search engine statistic stories — you know, the ones by tired tech writers running short on original inspiration — fail to even mention us at all,” the Ask.com spokesperson confesses. “That’s when you know you’ve really hit rock bottom.”

Ask.com is asking any remaining users to contact its Desperate User Location Department. The office can be reached via its Gmail address or Google Voice phone number, both of which can be found by searching Alta Vista for “other forgotten search engines.”






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