Rants In Our Pants

Seven Windows Phone 7 Apps We’ll Probably Never See

We all know about Microsoft’s new Windows Phone 7 by now — but what about the apps? Here are seven selections we hope (but don’t expect) to see.

By (@eSarcasm)

October 11, 2010

Windows Phone 7 AppsIt’s here — it’s really here!

Microsoft officially took the wraps off its highly anticipated long-scheduled Windows Phone 7 devices this morning. Praise be to all that is holy in Redmond.

While Ballmer and company had plenty of Jobs-worthy adjectives to describe the shiny new smartphones — there were more than a few utterances of “delightful” and “wonderful,” to say the very least — the MS crew stayed oddly quiet about the ecosystem of apps for their Windows Phone 7 platform.

So what exactly will be available? Not much at the moment, from what we can tell (though we do know there won’t be any porn — Google’s still got the mobile market cornered in that department).

Naturally, we have a few suggestions for apps we’d like to see on Microsoft’s shelves, starting with these seven:

  • WinClock. Stopwatch-style app measures the amount of time, in milliseconds, between upgrading to the next version of Windows and deeply regretting that decision. Can also measure time needed, in days, to upgrade to Windows 7.
  • iEnvy. Replaces tile-happy Windows Phone 7 interface with a slick new one that looks just the iPhone’s. Available for $299, iEnvy offers mediocre functionality, but it will put that fancy Apple symbol right on your home screen. (Until Apple sues the bejesus out of ’em, anyway.)
  • BSOD4me. Simple app displays a Blue Screen of Death just by pressing any key. Perfect for Microsoft fanboys nostalgic for the glory days of Windows 95.
  • Microsoft Power Gamer Pack 1.0 For Windows Phone 7 Home Users, Ultimate Edition: Play such cutting-edge classics as Minesweeper, Hearts, and Solitaire in this memorably named WinPho7 application. Also available in Microsoft Power Game Pack 1.0 For Windows Phone 7 Professional Users, Extra Crispy Edition.
  • ballmer-busterBALLmer BUSTER: Watch the bouncing Ballmer bop all over your screen, then bust him with your mallet before he flopsweats your phone into short-circuited oblivion. Take down the clown before the timer elapses and you won’t have to hear him sing Developers! Developers! Developers!
  • Vista Emulator: Relive the Vista experience on your Windows Phone 7 device. From arbitrarily rearranged and hard-to-find commands to incessant hassling regular courtesy checks by Windows Genuine Advantage, you’ll feel the “wow” all over again.
  • Recycle Bin: Find the nearest electronics recycling center that accepts Windows Phone 7 cell phones, even if they’re still actively in use. Bound to be the most popular Windows Phone 7 app available.

(Steve Ballmer image courtesy ICTShirts.com)

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