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eSarcasm Exclusive: Interview With Ardi, the First Human

Humanity’s oldest ancestor, 4.4-million-year-old Ardi, talks about what it’s like to be the world’s first hip hop diva, and reveals the real reasons why men walk upright.

By (@tynanwrites)

October 6, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

ardi full no tits or pootieThe science world was rocked last week with the discovery of a 4.4-million-year-old female human ancestor in the jungles of Ethiopia.

Ardipithecus ramidus – ‘Ardi’ for short – lived more than 1 million years before the previous oldest hominid fossil, a 3.2-million-year-old Australopithecine named ‘Lucy’. She stood a hair over four feet tall and weighed a svelte 110 pounds, with hands and wrists more similar to those of a modern human than a primitive ape.

eSarcasm managed to score an exclusive interview with Ardi before she left on a world tour with Lil Kim and Missy Elliott. Here’s how it went.

e: First, may we call you Ardi?

Actually, it’s R.Dee. Like R.Kelly, but without the 15-year-old skeezers.

e: You are more than a million years older than Lucy —

Yeah. She think she’s all that. I punk’d that bitch.

– and considered the greatest archeological find of all time. How does that make you feel?

I am the first diva. I invented hip hop. The human race is my posse. That’s how I feel about that.

e: Thanks to you, scientists are revising their opinions about how close human beings are to chimps and apes on the evolutionary tree.

You ever been close to an ape? If they don’t kill you, the smell will. Trust me, you want to be as far away as possible.

e: Paleontologists believe you and your, err, posse were the first human ancestors to walk upright, largely because having their hands free allowed males to bring females food as an enticement to have sex with them.

Are you calling me a ho?

e: Actually, that was from a paper by Kent State Professor Owen Lovejoy

Lovejoy. Now there’s a name. I bet his woman don’t get much Lovejoy, if all he’s bringing her is nuts and berries. You bring me a goddamn grocery store that don’t mean we gonna get busy.

I am all about the dick. You want to see my shrub, show me your club. If it don’t drag on the ground, don’t bother comin’ round.

e: That’s fascinating. We –

– if you don’t got at least nine, don’t waste my time. You hear what I’m saying?

e: Moving on —

– men walk upright because they think it makes their dicks look bigger. As if we couldn’t tell. Fools. Four million years later and nothing’s changed.

e: That explains the men. What about the women?

All these slick dicks strutting and you think I’m gonna crawl around on all fours with my pootie in the air? I don’t think so.

e: So, what else do you think of our modern world?

I’m out of the ground five minutes and already there’s nude pictures of me on the Internet. That’s some fucked up shit.

e: Thanks for your time, R. Dee.

It’s all good.






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Comments

  • Eltoro0012

    WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW THIS CHANGES HISTORY IS AWESOME DISCOVERED
    THIS WILL CHANGE THE WAY OF THINK ABOUT THE FIRST PEOPLE WHO LIVED ON THE EARTH TOTALLY YES

    • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

      and if you had opposable thumbs, you might know how to turn off the Caps Lock key.

  • karey

    well she is my cousin so back of

  • karey

    well she is my cousin so back of