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High-Tech Bras: The Breast and the Brightest

Tits and tech — what more could a guy want? From an iPod-charging bra to one with its own USB keyboard, these eight pieces of intimate apparel are sure to get any geek’s heart racing.

By (@JRRaphael)

October 5, 2009

Gentlemen, we officially have a new reason to be interested in breasts.

As if the region didn’t hold enough intrigue already, gadget-makers have taken to putting high-tech twists into ta-tas. While we sure as hell didn’t need any more incentive to obsess over that area, we’re simply titillated to have our two biggest interests — tech and cleavage, that is — combined.

So, without further adieu, here are eight high-tech bras guaranteed to put some extra bounce in your step.

1. The USB Keyboard Bra

Typing takes on a whole new meaning when your fingers rest upon the USB Keyboard Bra. Made by Japanese company Angel Kitty, the unusual tech-lingerie combo allows you to tap that ass while tapping out that e-mail.

USB Keyboard Bra

Nothing I can write, however, can compare with the brilliant prose from the Google translation of Angel Kitty’s product description. Some highlights:

Features of this product, soft keyboard made of silicone into the chest of a black cat suit (85 keys) in terms of wear is expected to stimulate intellectual excitement every time you type a key.

Each time you touch the keyboard of mass-produced, delicate fingers do not disappoint you?

Such as the Maid is to raise your voice when you press a certain key, “sound-off operation” is a reason and should be done in love.

The USB also supports our position is in connection state changes.

For the record, we suspect you’ll encounter many “state changes” while using this fine device.

2. The Gadget-Charging Bra

You’ll never run out of juice again once your girl’s wearing the solar-powered charger bra from Triumph International Japan. The garment features a detachable solar panel that generates enough power to keep your iPod running for hours.

Solar-Powered Bra

Still not ready to plug in? Then get this: As an added bonus, the gadget-charging bra also features plastic pouches designed to store your favorite beverage. Consider us won over.

3. The Gas Mask Bra

The gas mask bra, debuted at Harvard’s Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony this month, protects more than just the twins — it also protects you. The bra doubles as a two-person gas mask, allowing the wearer and a friend to stay safe from dangerous chemicals in the air.

Gas Mask Bra

Per the CBC:

“You have to be prepared all the time, at any place, at any moment, and practically every woman wears a bra,” [the inventor] said, noting that a bra cup, no matter what size, is the perfect shape to fit over the human mouth and nose.

Yes, it is the perfect shape for that. Er, that’s what we hear, anyway.

4. The LED Bra

It’s a shame the Mixed Messages LED Bra is no longer being manufactured, because it really has us jonesing to communicate. The bra, made by an “illuminated clothing” company called Enlighted, allows you to program your own custom message into a display running along the top.


Hey, no one ever said you have to actually do what it tells you.

5. The Heart-Monitoring Bra

Don’t be a boob and let a bad heart bring you down. The heart-monitoring bra by NuMetrex lets you keep a firm grasp on your health with a built-in heart rate monitor and transmitter.

Heart-Monitoring Bra

Unfortunately for us fellas, the NuMetrex only monitors her heart rate — and, let’s be honest, ours are the ones more likely to be racing when she’s parading around in this tight top.

6. The USB Connector Bra

Still have trouble with those blasted bra clasps? Get your gal one of these French Connections USB connector bras, showcased by the design-minded folks at dialog05.com. Built “for a world without hooks or eyes,” the bra uses only USB connectors to stay together.

USB Connector Bra

We’re not sure if the bra actually holds data or not, but we’re quite certain it’s able to store other assets we rather enjoy.

7. The Magic Massage Bra

If good vibrations are what your girl desires, China’s Shenzhen Pango Electronic Magic Massage Bra may be just the thing to help you rack up some serious points. According to Shenzhen Pango’s product description, the bra uses special “balls” to “stimulate” a woman’s breasts.

Wait a minute…isn’t that our job?

Magic Massage Bra

The Magic Massage Bra supposedly causes breasts to get bigger by “accelerating blood circulation and activating cell renewal.” Granted, that’s a crock of shit, but all the jiggling sure would be fun to watch.

8. The Marriage Bra

Not such a nice visual: the so-called Marriage Bra. Built to block all of your most impure intentions, the Marriage Bra has a countdown clock on the front to let a lady show how long is left until she wants to be married. The deposit of an engagement ring will stop the countdown — and play “The Wedding March.” Talk about a mood-killer.

Marriage Bra

Let’s just nip this in the bud and say it: This last bra is a total bust.

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