Alternate Reality

DVD-Sniffing Dog Trained to Identify Douchebags

An anti-piracy dog trained to sniff out illegally copied DVDs will soon be used to track down the Internet’s biggest douchebags, authorities say.

By (@JRRaphael)

June 3, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

DouchebagA DVD-sniffing “anti-piracy” dog is now being trained to identify douchebags on the Web, the Motion Picture Association (MPA) has announced.

The dog — a black Labrador named Paddy — has been used to uncover pirated discs around the world. Just this week, the animal found 35,000 illegally produced titles in warehouses across Malaysia.

“Paddy has pretty much mastered the art of sniffing out chemicals in illegal discs,” an MPA spokesperson explains. “Now, we’re ready to use her in other equally productive ways.”

Already, Paddy is said to be showing “great progress” in spotting indications of douchery online. Overuse of abbreviations, lack of proper punctuation, and an inflated sense of self-importance in forum postings are among the signals the dog is learning to recognize.

“These people are on the brink of popping their pink shirt collars and tilting their visors sideways,” the spokesperson says. “If we reach them now, we can stop the transformation before it’s too late.”

Thus far, 86 percent of all users pinpointed by Paddy have been confirmed as “absolute ass clowns,” the MPA reports.

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