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25 Ways to Be a Total Tool on Twitter

Anyone can be annoying on Twitter, but achieving complete assclown status takes serious dedication. Here are 25 obnoxious Twitter behaviors that ought to get you banned for life.

By (@eSarcasm)

October 1, 2009

Total Twitter ToolLately, it seems everyone’s trying to figure out how to be a better Twitter user. There’s talk of unfollow-worthy Twitter habits, a Twitter-friendly code of ethics, and the difference between Twitter “informers” and “meformers,” whatever the fuck that means. (We stopped reading as soon as the word “meformer” popped up.)

Despite all this expert advice, though, no one’s addressing the most truly obnoxious Twitter-based behaviors; the ones that make you such a tool, we’d rather undergo a colonoscopy than read your tweets. That kind of designation wasn’t easy to achieve — until now.

Here are 25 Twitter tactics guaranteed to turn you into an absolute social media ass-hat. Try them today, and watch your popularity go down faster than Paris Hilton at a Million Man March.

1. Replying to any message sent by Ashton Kutcher.

2. Retweeting anything from @arrington.

3. Tweeting from the movies, the bathroom, the gym, or anywhere else with sticky floors and strange smells. Don’t ask us how we know you’re doing that; we just do.

4. Using the words “awesome,” “legendary” or “daBomb” as part of your Twitter name. Here’s a clue: If you have to remind people you’re legendary or awesome, you probably aren’t.

Twitter Tool5. Using the word “tweeples” more than once every 796 days.

6. Sending out a nonstop stream of inspirational quotes. You want some words of inspiration? Here: “Fuck off.”

7. Telling us every goddamned song you listen to during your depressing day. For the love of Vanilli (he’s the dead one, right?), enough already.

8. Sending out tweets with the hashtags #heyhey, #moonfruit, or #fail. Next time just use #imacompletetool. It’s simpler.

9. Using tweets for your daily (or hourly) prayer. Sorry, @HolierThanThou: God is not following you.

10. Constantly keeping us apprised of your eating habits. You say you had a banana bran muffin for breakfast? We really couldn’t give two shits (though you might).

11. Tweeting incessantly about your social marketing skills. If this guerilla-style spamming is your idea of good marketing, you clearly have no idea what the tits you’re talking about.

12. Using a photo of a babe in a bikini when you’re really a slob in a shift.

13. Failure to follow or retweet us after we’ve followed or retweeted you. Hey buddy, can we get a reacharound?

14. Tweeting about how many followers you have (or could have, if only 40 more people would follow you right now). We get it: You have a small penis and somehow think this compensates. It doesn’t. Stop.

Twitter Tool15. Including references to sputum, bowel movements, or “frothy vaginal discharge.”

16. Sending out tweets as if you are @GuyKawasaki when you are not in fact @GuyKawasaki. We don’t care what he’s paying you. Knock it off.

17. Using Twitter exclusively to discuss ways we could more effectively use Twitter.

18. Tweeting hours-old news stories with “BREAKING NEWS” in front of them. If we want that kind of nonsense, we’ll turn on MSNBC, thankyouverymuch.

19. Trying to start painfully forced discussions by posing clichéd questions like “If we were to have a conversation, what would we most want to talk about?” or “Does 140 characters cramp your style?” The better question would be “Hey, why am I such a toolbag?”

20. Sending vague or cryptic messages that have no meaning to anyone but you (e.g. “OMG…I can’t believe this actually happened.”). Get a fucking diary, asshole.

21. Robert Scoble. Just because.

22. Sending out tweets composed entirely of #hashtags. (@curtisthompson, #this #means #you.)

23. Shamelessly leeching onto Twitterati with huge followings by including their handles in irrelevant tweets. (We would never do this – just ask @aplusk, @oprah, or @the_real_shaq.)

24. Wrtng ntrly in twtspk jst B cz U cn. Enuf lrdy.

25. Three words: Mafia family invitations.

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