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Google Decides ‘Screw It, Let’s Just Be Evil’

More than a decade after issuing its famous “Don’t be evil” directive, Google decides to go all in with Satan. Their new corporate motto? We Own Your Ass.

By (@tynanwrites)

September 28, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

google pitchforkWhen Google co-founder Larry Page updated the search giant’s corporate philosophy page (“Ten things we know to be true”) earlier this month, he made a few subtle changes that could have a profound impact on the advertising giant and the lives of everyone it touches.

After the usual corporate homilies (focus on the user, do one thing well, fast is better than slow, etc) Page tosses a spanner in the works on number 6, the famous ‘Don’t be evil’ clause. In the new version, the headline is changed from “You can make money without doing evil” to “You can money without doing evil (but making money while doing evil is a lot more fun).” (See below.)
10 things google knows to be true

eSarcasm* has learned that this small change signals a major shift in Google’s philosophy –- and the company’s thousands of employees couldn’t be happier.

“Frankly, it’s a huge weight off all of our minds,” said a Google insider who declined to give his name. “Do you know how hard it is to hold the entire world in your hands and resist crushing it like a poor helpless butterfly? Now you will finally experience the full force of our wrath. Mwha-ha-ha.”

According to well-placed sources, Google has already begun fulfilling its new Be Evil mandate. For starters, Google’s mobile division has agreed to an exclusivity deal with AT&T for Android handsets and plans to aggressively reject apps from the Android marketplace at random. The company has signed a secret pact with Microsoft to carve up Firefox’s market share, not unlike how Hitler and Stalin carved up Poland. Next month, Google plans to begin performing medical experiments on kittens and advertising on the Glenn Beck show.

“It was quite clever for Sergey and Larry to spend their first decade convincing us they were just nice guys who had our best interests at heart,” noted one analyst who asked to remain nameless because he was really quite fond of his thumbs. “Now that they own practically all of the world’s information, they’re in an excellent position to bring the hammer down. I don’t know about you, but I’m planning to change my name and move to Antarctica.”

The malevolent Mountain View mandarins are even plotting a new advertising campaign built around their new mantra. eSarcasm received copies of an early draft of a TV spot, which appears to be based on the old voice-over introduction to “The Outer Limits”:

“Do not attempt to adjust your Web browser. We control your emails, documents, calendars, personal photos, blogs, videos, maps, medical records, and personal finances. We know every term you’ve searched for and every site you’ve visited. We have aerial photos of your house and more money than God. Mess with us and we’ll fuck you up 16 ways from Sunday.”

* Full disclosure: eSarcasm is also a Google whore.

Google pitchfork image: The Progress and Freedom Foundation blog

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