Rants In Our Pants

20 Ways to Spice Up Your Windows 7 Launch Party

We know you’re dying to throw a big bash in honor of the Windows 7 launch. With rousing party games like BSOD freeze tag and ‘plug my browser hole,’ a good time is guaranteed for all.

By (@eSarcasm)

October 22, 2009

The launch of Windows 7 is finally here, and Microsoft’s working hard to get people excited. The company’s encouraging users around the world to host their own Windows 7 launch parties, complete with… well, to be honest, we’re really not sure.

The folks at Redmond released a strange video promoting the Windows 7 launch party concept, but it looks more like a bad SNL skit than an actual planning guide. The video gets far more amusing when you pepper unnecessary bleeps throughout it (below), but it still doesn’t provide much in the way of actual information.

So what the hell are you supposed to do at these stupid parties? Nobody really knows. So we’ve created our own Windows 7 party planning guide. Try any of these activities, and your event is sure to be a smashing success.

1. Perform a ritual burial dance as you gleefully burn your Vista User’s Guide. You know that fucker’s going straight to hell.

Windows 7 Launch Party2. Get drunk and hook up with an overweight nerd.

3. Make it an orgy. Dim the lights, get naked, grease up with baby oil, and play “plug my browser hole.”

4. Randomly kill all the power and make everyone go outside and then come back in again. Call it a “party reboot.” Do it again 10 minutes later.

5. Show your devotion to Windows 7 by gently making love to your new installation CD. (Caution: Small penis required. This shouldn’t be a problem for most Windows users.)

6. Hold a Microsoft fanboy vs. Apple fanboy deathmatch. Loser has to whack off to the Steve Ballmer Sex Tape.

7. Stop everyone at the door and make them show you their “wow” before you let them in.

8. Play a fun game of Pin the Devil Horns on Steve Jobs. Oh wait, he already has those. Never mind.

9. See if Grandma can break open the Bill Gates piñata. Bonus: It’s already filled with security holes.

10. Recreate the Windows Vista experience in liquid form: Serve only Diet Snapple. Serve it only from 3-ounce Dixie cups. Make everyone ask permission at least three times before you let them drink it. Then tell them you spit in it.

11. Make everyone play Blue Screen of Death freeze tag.

Spin the Phone12. Feeling randy? Arrange a game of Spin the Shitty Windows Mobile Phone. It may not work quite as well as a bottle, but at least if it breaks, no one will care.

13. Host a Clue-like murder mystery game! The theme:
“Who killed Internet Explorer 6 (and how can we thank him)?”

14. Hold a Bill Gates lookalike contest. The person who looks least likely to ever get laid automatically wins.

15. Somehow convince Microsoft Entertainment President Robert J. Bach to attend, then taunt him endlessly about being Microsoft Bob.

Steve Ballmer: Developers, developers, developers!16. Create a mosh pit and pogo dance to “Developers! Developers! Developers!”

17. Arrange a Microsoft technical support race. The first person to get a human agent on the phone wins. Extra points if the agent actually speaks English.

18. Randomly stop people at the party and make them prove they’re who they say they are. Phone home to their mothers for verification.

19. Reminisce about the good ol’ days of DOS. Then go download Linux.

20. One word: churros.

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