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When Schlongs Go Wrong: Small Penis, Big Problems

Feeling down? Having a tough time making it through the day? Forget what Dr. Phil says — it might just be because of your dangle.

By (@JRRaphael)

September 18, 2009

Penis SizeSorry fellas, but all those girls who swore size didn’t matter were way off. Only not in the way you might expect.

Scientists from Australia took a good long look at the measure of a man and how it affects his life. The long and short of their findings, released this week: A wee willy leaves a guy in a world of hurt that stretches far beyond the bedroom.

Men with smaller stallions, it seems, are getting the shaft when it comes to their health. Guys without girth tend to have lower self-esteem, body satisfaction, and general health functioning than their more endowed counterparts, the scientists say. And it has nothing to do with the ladies, either — it’s all in the men’s heads (so to speak).

“It’s the locker room syndrome,” explains Victoria University clinical psychologist Annabel Chan, who clearly has a firm grasp on the hairy subject of male members. “Men are more concerned about how their overall body size compares to the perceived male ideal than they are about how their size might impact on their sexual relations.”

Small PenisChan and her colleagues say even average-sized guys suffer from inch-induced health issues. And, as if they aren’t already being penalized enough, they’re also more apt to avoid meeting women in-person, opting instead for Net-based nookie. Yup, you read that right — dudes into online dating may be good at forming sentences, but they’re less likely to impress when it comes to their own dangling participle.

“Men with poorer self-esteem and higher body dissatisfaction have a preference for online dating as initially, physical attractiveness does not deliver the primary impression,” Chan claims, adding that men happy with Mr. Happy are less likely to seek love online.

Chan’s findings may be delivered orally at a future scientific conference, provided she’s able to fit her massive amount of information into an available slot. Until then, she’ll just have to settle for discussing her study over informal lunches, where we assume she always orders the 8-inch sub.

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