Alternate Reality

Yahoo Has a Big One and Wants Everyone to Know it

Next week the search company will unveil a new, fully engorged marketing campaign. We spoke with CEO Carol Bartz about why size really does matter.

By (@tynanwrites)

September 18, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

yahoo's got something big in its boxersBrace yourselves. Yahoo is about to have its way with you, and you’ve never seen anything quite so big.

Starting Monday, September 22, the #2 search company is planning a major marketing campaign centered around the theme “Size Matters.” (See our earlier report about some of the other marketing slogans under consideration.)

Apparently, the Yahoo marketing team woke up one day after a really good dream, saw how large its assets were, and decided to start boasting.

Kara Swisher said it, so it must be true. La Swish quotes an anonymous Yahoo drone, who says:

“The whole push seems to be to remind people of vibrancy of the brand and exactly how huge its reach is,” said one person who has seen parts of the presentation. “It is less Yahoo is back than Yahoo has never left.”

We had a frank (and, frankly, uncomfortable) conversation about Yahoo’s new marketing thrust with CEO Carol Bartz, who is known to possess an unusually prodigious sexual organ she calls her “she-nis.”

“As any woman can tell you, you need both the meat and the motion,” says Bartz. “If it doesn’t enter the room a good 15 seconds before the rest of you does, it’s not even worth discussing.”
bartz & ballmer play find the cocktail weenie under the table

Bartz says a company’s success in the search advertising market is often directly related to the heft of its tools.

I’ve seen Ballmer’s,” she added, wiggling her pinky in the air. “It’s cute enough, but there’s a reason he calls it ‘Little Stevie’. He’s never going to climb out of third place with that thing.”

Bartz’s philosophy is that a good marketing campaign needs to be huge, hard, and relentless.

“You need to get in there and keep pounding your message, over and over and over, until you break down the public’s resistance and they finally submit,” she said, smoking a cigarette.
carol bartz describes what she looks for in a marketing campaign

“If that doesn’t make you yodel, nothing will.”

Of course, if Yahoo is huge, then Google must be like Ron Jeremy with a severe case of elephantiasis. How do you compete? But Bartz had an answer for that too.

“There is such a thing as too big, you know,” she responded. “You can’t park the Titanic inside a two-car garage. We feel Yahoo is just the right size – large enough to satisfy, but not so big as to frighten the children.”

Photos: Getty Images, ZDnet, AllThingsD

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