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7 Simple Rules of Online Dating

Hooking up with someone online doesn’t have to be difficult. Just follow these seven simple rules, and you’ll be clicking your way to climactic glory.

By (@JRRaphael)

September 16, 2009

Online Dating RulesEveryone’s looking to score when it comes to online dating (score a loving and romantic relationship, you sex-obsessed sicko). The truth, though, is that few people really know what works in the Web wooing world. At least, until now.

Online dating site OkCupid.com has just released an analysis of how people use its service and what tactics seem to breed success. The site looked at what it calls “first contact” — you know, the online equivalent of walking up to a girl and trying not to make an ass of yourself. OkCupid found some consistent trends with which types of approaches elicit positive responses, and which elicit not-so-friendly “fuck offs.”

We’ve broken down the data into seven simple rules that, if followed precisely, are guaranteed to get you more tail than you’d find in the giraffe section of your local zoo. So start reading already. You can thank us later.

Rule #1: Cunning linguists get cunnilingus.

Put simply, guys who can write are in the right. (Note to self: Start seeking ass online.) It’s not only bad grammar and bad spelling that rub the ladies the wrong way, though — it’s also the use of annoying Net- and text-style abbreviations.

The worst bastardized expressions you can use in an opening message, according to OkCupid:

  • ur
  • r
  • u
  • ya
  • cant
  • hit
  • realy
  • luv
  • wut

We might add a few more phrases onto the list of first message no-no’s:

  • fell8
  • 4incher
  • icumreallyfast

Rule #2: Laughter is the best medicine (if you’re suffering from needsexitis).

Online DatingIt’s okay to giggle when trying to get to know someone online, OkCupid says; in fact, it may actually help you get into their pants.

Certain kinds of online laugh expressions seem to work better than others. Specifically, OkCupid says “haha” results in a 45-percent reply rate, while “lol” boasts a 41-percent rate of response. Not as lucky: “hehe,” to which only 33 percent of people respond; “guffaw,” to which only 87-year-old fans of the Howdy Doody Show respond; and “ho ho,” to which only Snoop Dogg’s biznows reply.

Rule #3: Don’t compliment her booty until you’ve tapped that ass.

Guys rushing to tell a girl how gorgeous she is seem to strike out in the online dating domain. It’s something you can call the “creepy desperate dude trying too hard to do me” effect: Words like “sexy,” “beautiful,” “hot,” and “cutie” cause ladies to hit delete and move on when used early in the e-courtship.

Instead, try complimenting yourself. Phrases such as “I’m huge in the pants,” “I bang hot chicks quite frequently,” and “I’ve only contracted an STD once” may all prove effective.

Rule #4: Creativity pays off.

Online DatingDull greetings get you nowhere, according to OkCupid’s study. Messages starting with “hey,” “hi,” or “hello” are associated with very low reply rates. More inventive greetings such as “how’s it going,” “what’s up,” and “howdy” fare better, the research finds. “Top o’ the mornin'” and “aye aye, matey” would both likely be off the charts, were anyone wise enough to try them.

Rule #5: Interests are interesting.

Online daters want to hear specific things about your interests, OkCupid says. In fact, nearly every niche-oriented word examined in the analysis had a positive effect on messaging.

Niche-oriented words can provide interesting details about your life; if you discuss “fashion,” for example, it might indicate “I am into fellating men and other such pleasant pastimes.” That can help a woman relate to you and feel less threatened by your overpowering masculinity.

Certain interests, however, are best left unspoken during early conversations, as they have the potential to turn someone off on a first impression. Stay away from such terms as “anal grooming,” “whackin’ it to the Gilmore Girls,” and “excitedly discussing the latest Apple tablet rumor.”

Rule #6: Don’t be afraid to let your guard down.

Girls seeking some wang on the Web like a guy who can take himself down a notch, OkCupid attests. As such, words like “sorry,” “apologize,” and “awkward” are among the top reply-getting phrases seen in opening messages.

Some suggested ways to work those into your conversation:Online Dating

“I’m sorry that I never make mistakes; it must make you feel inadequate.”

“I rarely apologize after intercoursing someone thoroughly.”

“Despite what most people say, my willy is not at all awkward-looking.”

Rule #7: For the love of God, stop talking about God.

The final finding of OkCupid’s report involves religion — or, more specifically, the lack of it. The online dating experts say messages discussing atheism tend to have the highest reply rates, while messages involving the word “God” tend to get tossed right into the recycle bin.

Of course, if you can manage to use the word “God” while following all the other rules, you should be in the clear. Let’s attempt to put everything we’ve learned together while going out on a limb and including that God reference. See if you can spot which rule is utilized in which bolded phrase.

Top o’ the mornin’ to you! I’m a skilled writer who is huge in the pants. Oh God, would you be sorry if you didn’t say howdy to me in a sexual fashion (LOL!).”

Disclaimer: eSarcasm accepts no responsibility for any negative effects incurred by the mass amount of ass you’re bound to receive by following the fine advice provided in this story.

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  • mysti4god

    Are you serious? I really like this article because it's true and very funny except that the main objective here seems to be to get some ass. What about to just meet a nice girl to go out with. What about find a relationship? Is the end result always so shallow (getting in her pants, get cunnilingus, get more tail)? I mean, I know this was written tongue in cheek and for laughs, hence the “esarcasm”. But does funny and sarcasm have to be offensive and rude? And why would talking about God turn people off? My handle on OKC is mysti4god and I get plenty of action, thank you. I think you should have reviewed match.com or plentyoffish.com rather than OKC in this way. It's not as sleazy as you make it out to be.

    • I think Mysti is totally right. I know a guy whose handle is SexGod and he gets more ass than a toilet seat (but always in a deep, meaningful way).

      – dt

  • wendywhy

    omg, JR! “Top o’ the mornin’ to you! I’m a skilled writer who is huge in the pants. Oh God, would you be sorry if you didn’t say howdy to me in a sexual fashion (LOL!).”

    I just gotta say though, I can't believe…
    a) You used that exact line on me last night (was I just research?!?)
    b) I didn't recognize it was YOU! (too many margaritas)
    c) It WORKED!!
    call me :)

    • Damn it…I knew there was a reason I was going to write this story under a pseudonym.


  • stdgirl

    STD cases on the rise!
    A friend of mine who works for the largest STD dating == Positivefish. com == told me that the new subscribers have
    increased 25% over 2008. Rising STD rate sparks online dating sites.

    • here's one JR forgot: calling yourself “stdgirl” probably does NOT enhance your chances of getting some. just a guess.


  • Make the first date memorable.
    The concept of success with online dating doesn't end with getting a date. Your actual date is going to shape the other person's opinion more than anything else to date.


  • Very nice article .Its funny except that the main objective here seems to be to get some ass.

  • Starlight

    What’s up? You may call me “hot” on the first blog. I’m desperate.

  • Funny truths and tips. I like it. Thanks!

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  • mandy mills

    Great  blog here.. It’s hard to find
    quality writing like yours these days. I really appreciate people like you!
    take care.

    [Spammy link to dating sites removed. Nice try, “Mandy.”]

    • we love it when you talk spammy to us…

  • Anonymous

    Thanks for that 7 simple Rules of online dating. Because we will be able to know some guidelines. Though it seems like so strange but in that way we will gain more friends and yet to find your soul mate. Thanks!!

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