Alternate Reality

Microsoft ‘Bang': The Future of Online Porn?

From Bing to Bang, meet Microsoft’s latest endeavor: a top-secret search site focused solely on self-pleasure.

By (@jr_raphael)

September 11, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Microsoft Porn SearchMicrosoft may be getting into the porn business — but not in the way you’d think.

Reports have been circulating around the Web this week about ads for the company’s Bing search engine showing up in porn-related searches on Google. The ads, appearing alongside results for terms such as “pornography,” “pud-pulling,” and “everybody wang chung tonight,” direct users to “thousands of free videos” at the Bing search engine.

Microsoft quickly shot down the idea of any intentional connection, telling bloggers the Bing team never paid to appear specifically next to porn in searches. “It is our policy on the Bing marketing team that we do not have any adult content as part of any of our keyword buys or other marketing campaigns,” a statement said.

Now, however, eSarcasm has learned that statement may not tell the entire story. While Bing does in fact have a policy against adult content advertising, inside sources suggest a secondary search engine secretly under development at Microsoft does not.

The search engine, called “Bang,” is being tested deep in the bowels of Microsoft’s Redmond campus, sources say. The porn-related search ads are part of its upcoming marketing push and will eventually point to the bang.com domain.

“Bang has been part of Microsoft’s search plan from the start,” reveals one source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “What, you really thought anyone would name their primary search engine ‘Bing’ if they didn’t have a broader reason?”

Bang is said to mirror Bing’s features and configuration, only focusing exclusively on smut. While Bing is branded as a “decision engine,” Bang will be branded as a “diddlin’ engine,” intuiting your intentions and providing the porn you want on a single results page.Jenna Jameson Rhino

“Search for ‘Jenna Jameson + rhino,’ and damn it, you’ll get a video of Jenna Jameson riding a rhino,” our source says. “It doesn’t matter if it actually exists — Bang will find it.”

Bang will reportedly play off of Bing’s “make faster, more informed decisions” tagline with the motto “make faster, more efficient manhandling.” The search engine will even omit all videos and images of Rosie O’Donnell to avoid any accidental midsession buzzkills.

In related news, a Christian advocacy group has just announced plans to launch a sex-free search alternative called “Bang Only When Married.” The site will feature photos of couples fully clothed and happily holding hands while encouraging users to “let their faith shoot out forcefully over the faces of the world.”






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Comments

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    When I grow up I want to become a rhyno so porn stars will ride me.

  • http://www.wealthy-grampa.com Wealthy Grampa

    When I grow up I want to become a rhyno so porn stars will ride me.