Search Terms Can Be Hazardous to Your Health
McAfee thinks keywords like ‘screen savers,’ ‘lyrics,’ and ‘free ringtones’ are dangerous? Obviously they haven’t tried Googling ‘men in diapers,’ ‘marble cake,’ or ‘Janet Reno naked.’
Beware, unsuspecting Netizens. Hackers are using Google against you. In a newly published report titled “The Web’s Most Dangerous Search Terms” [PDF], McAfee has identified a dozen innocent search terms that can get you and your computer in a heap-o-trouble.
Why? Because fiendishly evil malware authors are sitting there waiting to pounce, with code that will infect your computer the minute your browser touches down on one of their keyword-optimized sites.
Run a search for “screen savers,” for example, and six out of ten sites you visit could be infected with malware. (And, by the way, that nude screen saver of Maria Sharapova? It’s really just Maria’s head pasted on Anna Kournikova’s body.)
You say you desperately need to know the lyrics to the “Numa Numa” song, right now? Your odds of infection can be as high as 50 percent. Worse, you’ll get that damned song stuck so deep inside your head only an alcoholic coma will expel it.
Searches for “free ringtones” carry a maximum 33.3 percent risk. Pam Anderson? 25 percent. How about “phelps, weber-gale, jones and lezak win 4x100m relay”? A truly perverse 40 percent.
Well, McAfee doesn’t know the half of it. Here at eSarcasm, our own meticulous research has uncovered keyword searches far more dangerous, both to your computer and your psyche. Use the follow five keyword phrases with extreme caution, and only under the care of a licensed physician.
“Men in diapers.” Type this phrase into Google and you run a 62.9 percent chance of encountering grotesquely hirsute middle-aged males dressed up like Baby Huey. Like Sid, age 60, who confesses
I love being diapered by my wife. I own three cloth diapers and several pairs of waterproof pants. Additionally, I have several disposable diapers.
Don’t laugh. one of these men could turn out to be your husband, father, or business partner. (JR… is that really you?)
Related searches: nappies, incontinence, Bob Dole
“Mesothelioma.” Visit any one of the 7.6 million sites Google produces for this keyword and you run a 37.5 percent risk that a personal injury lawyer will reach out from the screen, grab you, and drag you into a multi-million dollar asbestos class action suit.
Related searches: shyster, ambulance chaser, mouthpiece
“Marble cake.” No, this is not your Aunt Grendel’s favorite recipe. This is a term for a ‘sexual’ practice that involves… no, we can’t even bring ourselves to describe it. We’re starting to heave just thinking about it. And precisely because of its gross nature the term has been appropriated by 4Chan, that band of anonymous miscreants who live to wreak havoc across the Net. The odds a site containing this keyword will cause you to blow chunks: 17.2 percent.
Related searches: Beavis & Butthead, coprophilia, fudge
“Scientology.” Google produces some 5.3 million hits for this keyword, and not one of them is safe. Odds of visiting a site where you are drawn into a pointless debate over whether Scientology is evil? 53.7 percent. Odds of accidentally watching a video of Tom Cruise having a mental breakdown? 72.4 percent. Odds of eSarcasm getting sued for defamation by said “church” for putting the word “church” in quotation marks? We don’t even want to know.
Related searches: John Travolta, Kirstie Allie, Bart Simpson (voice of)
“Janet Reno naked.” We know, we know. Some people just bring these things upon themselves. If you are at all tempted to use these keywords (especially using Google Image Search), just remember there’s a 43.3 percent risk you will never have sex again. And if your children see these images, well, forget about ever having grandkids.
Related searches: abstinence, ipecac, self-inflicted blindness
Images of nappy bending man and naked Janet borrowed lovingly from Sexblo.gs and Mlogiudice, respectively.
Tweet
Get fresh geek humor delivered daily: RSS | E-Mail | Twitter | Widgets
