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A World Without Microsoft

From better access to boobies to more annoying infomercials, the world would be a drastically different place had Microsoft never come around.

By (@eSarcasm)

September 4, 2009

A World Without MicrosoftLove it or hate it, Microsoft has shaped our world in more ways than we can count. Without MS, after all, you’d never have struggled to pronounce the unnecessarily vowel-challenged “CHKDSK” or grimaced when an antiquated, standards-resistant browser simply refused to die.

Since PC Magazine recently painted a picture of what an Apple-free world would look like (less DRM and more keyboards, in a nutshell), we figured it was about time someone extended the same courtesy to Microsoft. Without further adieu, then, here are a dozen ways our world would differ if the gang behind Windows had never gotten together.

Anine Bing1. Steve Ballmer would be selling Ginsu knives on late-night TV.

2. The citizens of Vista, California wouldn’t be living in shame.

3. Searching for “Bing” would bring up seminude models and slutty porn stars. Right now, Anine (at right) and Carmella are totally getting the shaft (so to speak).

4. John “I’m a PC” Hodgman would be teaching high school math in Brookline, Massachusetts.

5. Bill Gates would still be whackin’ it to the Pythagorean theorem.

6. Redmond would be famous for being the home of two-time Donkey Kong world-record-holder Steven Wiebe.

7. Waggener Edstrom PR would be busy not returning calls for other companies.

8. Jerry Seinfeld would have never experienced the yummy goodness of churros.

9. No one would know what the hell Microsoft Bob was.
    *Update: This one is actually already true.

10. There’d be no obvious holder of the “World’s Shittiest Web Browser” title.

11. Millions of culture-bonding conversations between America and India would have never occurred.

12. Our computers might actually work, most of the time.






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Comments

  • Alex

    Damn. I'd give Anine my nine any day.

    • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

      you mean your nine iron, we assume. we recommend a three wood. anine really likes the long ball, if you know what we mean.

  • http://www.eightforums.com kamic

    ahhh, anine bing… :) i'll search her

  • http://www.eightforums.com kamic

    ahhh, anine bing… :) i'll search her