Alternate Reality

Disney-Marvel Deal in Peril

Multi-billion-dollar merger could be called off after barroom brawl erupts between Disney characters and spandex-wearing superheroes.

By (@tynanwrites)

September 3, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

The Thing pummels Mickey Mouse-2

Disney’s $4 billion acquisition of Marvel Entertainment may be in jeopardy after a celebration thrown by both studios to mark the signing of the deal turned ugly.

The party, held last night at the lavish Millennium Biltmore Hotel in Los Angeles, was going well until words were exchanged between two of the guests of honor, say eyewitnesses. Then a violent fracas ensued.

“It all began when Captain America suggested Minnie Mouse was ‘fucking Goofy’,” says Peter Parker, who attended sans his Spiderman spandex. “Then Daisy Duck told The Amazing Hulk he could really stand to use some deodorant, and the X-Men got involved. That’s when the pummeling started.”

The Thing, seen here clobberin’ an inebriated Mickey Mouse, was arrested and charged with aggravated assault on an elderly rodent. (Thanks to Zachary Snyder of StupidInventions for that candid photo.)

Mouse, 81, was admitted to the Beverly Virgil Animal Hospital and treated for radiation poisoning. He was later released.

Studio executives assured nervous investors the deal would go through as planned, but parties close to the negotiations expressed doubts.

“Frankly, I can’t work with these guys,” said a superhero who asked to remain shielded by his cloak of invisibility. “I mean, Donald Duck is their chief negotiator. Nobody can understand a friggin’ thing he says.”

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  • tingrin1884

    yay zachary snyder!!

  • So what did the Disney princesses do during the brawl? Sit on the sidelines and look unapprovingly, or show girl power and kick major butt?

    • they were all in the bathroom, puking. how else do you think they maintain those wasp-like figures?

  • Speaking of wasp-like figures, it could have been worse. Disney could have bought Barbie.