Alternate Reality

New FCC ‘S&M Kit’ to Block Sex, Violence From Teens

So long, V-Chip: The U.S. government says it’s found a better way to keep teens from seeing sex and violence on all forms of modern media.

By (@JRRaphael)

September 1, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

The FCC is preparing to launch a new cutting-edge kit to help parents protect their teens from seeing sex and violence. The organization had recently opened an inquiry into the matter after a report found no single parental control technology was able to effectively safeguard all of today’s platforms.

“We need something that can concurrently keep minors from seeing vag and violence on televisions, cell phones, and the Internet,” FCC Chairman Julius Genachowski concluded.

The solution, Genachowski says, is a new easy-to-install system being branded as the FCC Safety and Monitoring (S&M) Kit. The FCC S&M Kit is said to be completely effective at blocking even the slightest exposure to sex or violence from teenagers’ innocent eyes.

The device’s foundation is a state-of-the-art relaxation chair with built-in multiplatform content controls. Even the teensiest Lindsay Lohan nip slip or Disney starlet crotch shot, the FCC assures, won’t get through.

FCC: Blocking Sex and Violence

As depicted in the official documents above, the FCC S&M Kit will be offered in both a basic and advanced model to provide customizable levels of control for any parenting style. The advanced model will come with an optional attachment for added content filtration.

FCC: Blocking Sex and Violence

“We’re pleased to have finally found an answer to the increasingly complex problem of protecting our country’s teenagers,” Genachowski says. “Despite the numerous technological advances of our modern era, it is crucial that our nation’s youth are able to blossom in a safe and smut-free environment.”

The kit’s creator and manufacturer, Naughty Bondage LLC, expects to have the devices ready for shipping by the end of the year.

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