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Internet Turns 40, Begins Midlife Crisis

Fast cars? Frosted tips? Foxy babes? Yep — looks like the Internet is having a midlife crisis as it creeps up to the big 4-0 this week.

By (@JRRaphael)

August 31, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

The Internet turns 40 this week and, according to various accounts, appears to be in the midst of a major midlife crisis.

The Internet — also known as the Net, the Web, and That Place Where You See Boobies — was officially born on September 2, 1969 at the University of California, Los Angeles. Following a rambunctious period during its late 20s and early 30s, the Internet has more recently settled down into a quiet and routine-driven life.

Internet Turns 40Over the past days, however, things have begun to change. The Net has been seen sporting a sleek red Porsche, purchasing Viagra at a neighborhood pharmacy, and loitering around community pools known to be frequented by bikini-clad college coeds.

“I saw him strutting around with a shaved chest and spiky, frosted-tip haircut,” says a pool lifeguard who identified himself only as Jeeves. “It’s pitiful, really, to see such a distinguished man not being able to accept his own age.”

Another witness reports seeing the Internet browsing through designs at a tattoo parlor. The Net was said to be wearing a red Abercrombie & Fitch t-shirt with the words “CRUNK BITCH” printed on the back.

“He had some bosomy young blonde all over him,” says one of the shop’s artists, a middle-aged employee named Clippy. “It sure wasn’t the Net I used to know.”

eSarcasm located the blonde woman from the shop to inquire about her relationship with the Internet. She confirmed that the two had been intimate, speaking excitedly about the time they had shared.

“He’s totally loaded, and he knows like everyone,” she says. “And, let me tell you, with the way that guy fucks, you’d think he’d seen every porno ever made.”

When reached for comment, the Internet told eSarcasm to “buzz off,” adding that we were “being total killjoys.”


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