16 Reasons Why Those iPhones Are Exploding

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

It is now time for that iPhone in your pocket to explode.

Across the pond, there’s been an epidemic of iPhones exploding, imploding, cracking, leaking, self destructing, catching fire, and otherwise acting in a manner unbecoming the Most Wonderful Device Ever Created ™. Gizmodo details no less than 13 instances of iPhones and iPods going kablooey, largely in France but also in the UK and Belgium.

Yet we know that, like the Pope, Steve Jobs is infallible. (And, unlike the Pope, he doesn’t go around in a funny hat and a dress.) So it clearly isn’t Apple’s fault. Whose fault is it? We’re glad you asked.

“In all cases the glass cracked due to an external force that was applied to the iPhone,” Alan Hely, a London-based spokesman for Apple Europe, told Bloomberg. 

And what, exactly, was this mysterious “external force”? We have a few ideas:

1. Excessive affection. These iPhones were so filled with the love of Apple fanboys and fangirls that they literally burst.

2. Monsieurs Magoo. Nearsighted Frenchmen mistook iPods for wedges of brie, attempted to spread them on baguettes.

3. Kim Jong Il. Figured if he made a few iPhones explode France would probably surrender to him.

4. Fiendishly clever marketing. Accidents were staged to generate user demand for the new iPhone 3GS-NE (NonExploding) model.

5. Bizarre sexual practices. We’re too polite to say what they were, but they rhyme with “banal inversion.”

6. Michael Arrington. His public rejection of iPhone caused despondent handsets to commit digital seppuku.

7. Global warming. Polar bears mistook iPhones for ice floes, crushed them while trying to scramble aboard.

8. Methane overload. Excessive gas built up from installing too many ‘iFart’ apps.

9. China Unicom. Testing new self-destruct mechanism to be included in Chinese iPhones; handsets set to explode if anyone searches for “Tibet,” “Falun Gong,” or “Mac clones.”

10. Inept Terrorists. Fortunately, as improvised explosive devices go, iPhones don’t quite meet all of Osama’s requirements.

11. Dalai Lama. Sure, he looks like peace incarnate, but underneath those saffron robes are fists of fury. iPhones will continue to self immolate until China releases its stranglehold on Tibet.

12. User error. Affected iPhone owners had all installed a new app called “Blow Up the World’s Most Overrated Device Right Now.” Somehow they failed to make the connection.

13. iLiver failure. Unlike Steve, these iPhones couldn’t afford to buy a house in Tennessee just so they could have a bionic liver installed.

14. Tablet envy. All anyone talks about any more is that damned Apple tablet. The explosions are simply the iPhone’s desperate cry for attention.

15. Google’s revenge. Disable Google Voice apps, will you? Never fuck with a company whose motto is “don’t be evil” unless you’re prepared for them to go medieval.

16. Premature iJaculation. If someone were caressing your firm yet supple surface all day, you’d shoot all over the place too.

Photo of girl with exploded iPod: Steve Morgan, London Times.

Tweet




Get fresh geek humor delivered daily: RSS | E-Mail | Twitter | Widgets