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What Your Typing Style Says About Your Brain

The way you type could reveal a lot about that scrambled omelette you call a brain. Dr. Smartass explains why one common style could be cause for concern.

By (@doctorsmartass)

August 30, 2009

Got a question for Dr. Smartass? E-mail doc [at] esarcasm.com.

Dr. SmartassLadies and gentlemen of my virtual doctordom, have I ever the interesting news for you today. You know those irritating imbeciles who populate Twitter, Facebook, and the comments section of every blog known to man? The ones who leave remarks such as:

FIRST comment!!! lol this BLOG sux!!1~

Well, listen up, dear disciples: It turns out those simpletons may be more than just common dolts. They may be demented.

(Of course, they are still common dolts, too. We don’t want to take that away from them.)

Scientists from the University of Maryland Baltimore County have just released new research into typing patterns and what they show about our mental abilities. The UMBC crew analyzed the typing patterns of various people while they were under normal conditions and then again while they were under extreme mental stress. The team found that, when cognitively stressed, the subjects’ typing patterns showed a measurable change.

This discovery alone is exciting enough to cause a different kind of “measurable change” in Dr. Smartass. Mmmmm, science…the mistress that always satis– er, sorry. That was embarrassing. Back to the study:
Typing and Dementia
The strongest indicators of a bumbling brain, the sci-guys say, are increased use of caps lock and decreased use of backspace. Now, the researchers do say that dementia isn’t definitely on the way simply because you have such irksome typing habits. But, if that kind of pattern occurs over a long period of time, it could be a warning sign that your brain is about to enter what we in the science community call “the Keanu Reeves realm.” (It’s a technical term.)

Personally, Dr. Smartass doesn’t know anyone who types in such an AWFUL fashion;;;. if he DID, however, he would ABSOLLUTELYY ASSUME theirr minds were turning to mush.

Until next TIME,

Dr. Smartass






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Comments

  • anakinmcfly

    The 'Keanu Reeves realm' as in an IQ of 160? Whoa. Bring it on.

    • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

      just to clarify: having an IQ of 160 doesn't mean you're able to count to 160. that's probably where you got confused.

      dt

  • Brenda Cusick (not real name)

    I have the 3ed post! This blog sux. -3 or -4

    • http://twitter.com/DoctorSmartass Dr. Smartass

      Brenda, please seek psychiatric counsel immediately. I can help you myself, assuming your standards are low and you don't mind ethical violations.

  • Brenda Cusick (not real name)

    I have the 3ed post! This blog sux. -3 or -4

  • http://twitter.com/DoctorSmartass Dr. Smartass

    Brenda, please seek psychiatric counsel immediately. I can help you myself, assuming your standards are low and you don't mind ethical violations.

  • Anonymous

    i wanna sea pitchers of MOAR KITTAHS!!!

  • Anonymous

    i wanna sea pitchers of MOAR KITTAHS!!!