Alternate Reality

Sneak Peek: Yahoo’s New Advertising Campaign

Yahoo is planning to launch a major marketing campaign to rebuild its image. eSarcasm has obtained an exclusive sneak peek at some of the ideas under consideration.

By (@JRRaphael)

August 27, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Yahoo Marketing CampaignYou’ve gotta give it to Yahoo: Those fuckers don’t give up easily. Despite what can only be called one of the most embarrassing years in tech company history, the gang formerly led by Yang keeps truckin’ on.

Now that CEO Carol Bartz has secured a way-watered-down version of the Microsoft deal Yang butchered last year, she’s moving forward with plans to “reposition” Yahoo with a large-scale marketing campaign. The goal, Bartz says, is to make Yahoo less of a running punchline rebuild the Yahoo brand.

Despite some purported leaks this week, all the yahoos are keeping quiet about the specifics. Thanks to a source close to the company*, however, eSarcasm has obtained internal documents detailing the campaigns under consideration. The documents were heavily encrypted with Mattel Invisible Ink and some sort of advanced encoding language (update: the encoding language was Pig Latin), but our analysts were able to translate the following 15 possible slogans.

  1. Yahoo: We never go down. Unless you want us to.
  2. Yahoo: Now combining the power of two search engines you don’t care about.
  3. It’s Google’s new URL. Really.
  4. Yahoo: Don’t worry, we keep Jerry Yang locked up in the nursery.
  5. Yahoo: The search engine of choice (for approximately seven people).
  6. Yahoo: Used by more people than AltaVista or Lycos.
  7. Yahoo: We finally gave up on that obnoxious yodeling jingle. Hey, it only took 10 years.
  8. Yahoo: Now bigger and better (or at least fairly comparable).
  9. Yahoo: Yes, it’s shitty — but come on, it’s free.
  10. Yahoo: We always swallow. Google doesn’t.
  11. Yahoo: We just hired Jeeves.
  12. Yahoo: We hit it with Bing and have the pictures to prove it.
  13. Yahoo: We may be secure…but our backdoor is always open.
  14. Yahoo: America’s favorite search engine (when Google isn’t available).
  15. Yahoo: We’ll blow you for money. Seriously.

*Hey, the guy said he slept in the park near Yahoo’s headquarters. That’s pretty damned close to the company, as far as we’re concerned.

Get fresh geek humor delivered daily: RSS | E-Mail | Twitter