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Five More Ways to Avoid Getting Sued on Twitter

The wrong tweets can land you up to your ass in attorneys. Our advice? Avoid Webcam girls, crystal meth, and Julia Allison.

By (@tynanwrites)

August 21, 2009

twitter-jailbirdThe ever prolific – might might say Twitterific — @GuyKawasaki has generously shared 10 Ways to Avoid Being Sued on Twitter. Given the deep kimchee you can get into merely by tossing a few “skank” and “ho” comments at the wrong supermodel, the advice is well heeded.

(In other news: eSarcasm has just learned that @GuyKawasaki is actually not one person jacked up on Red Bull but an entire sweatshop of Twitterers housed in an abandoned US Air Force hangar in the Philippines. More news on that story as it develops.)

The advice comes via TwiTip, sponsored by the Twitter Survival Guide (an extremely handy tool if you ever find yourself lost in the Serengeti with nothing but a pen knife and an iPhone), and was written by an Internet Defamation Attorney known only by his Twitter handle, @adrianos.

(Let us pause for a moment and reflect on the job title Internet Defamation Attorney. A useful specialty these days, but probably not something you heard other kids talking about on the playground: “Mommy, when I grow up I want to be an Internet Defamation Attorney.” But we digress.)

The article is chock full of the kind of good careful advice you’d expect from an attorney: Avoid Twitter rage, send direct messages when you need to get personal, don’t tweet after drinking, don’t pretend to be somebody you’re not, and please remit payment to @adrianos within 30 days (no personal checks accepted).

The trouble with this advice? It just doesn’t begin to cover the range of litigious possibilities you could encounter in 140 characters or less. So we’ve come up with a few of our own. Ignore them at your peril.

  • Don’t call Michael Arrington an arrogant jackass. Not merely because Arrington is a pathologically combative attorney with an ego the size of an asteroid; because your tweet will just get lost in all the thousands of others calling him an arrogant jackass. Try to come up with a more original insult, such as “scrotum tugging panty sniffer,” or maybe “money-hungry bastard son of a whore’s anus.” In other words, have some fun with it.

  • Try to avoid using Twitter after snorting crystal meth. If you must snort and tweet, try to take the edge off by smoking some fine Lebanese hash.

  • If you must use Twitter to slander people and/or spread scurrilous rumors, do it by pretending you’re actually retweeting someone else. As in “RT @jr_raphael Did you know Ashton Kutcher‘s penis is the size of a grape seed?” Then when Ashton (or, more likely, Demi) is looking for someone to pummel, you’ll be in the clear.

    400 pound fat naked guy

  • Do not try hitting on or otherwise making a date with any scantily clad girl offering to show you her “picz”. In reality, they are all a 400-pound naked guy named Hyrum Winsocki. And he does not put out. Trust us.

  • If you’re in the middle of committing a serious felony such as armed robbery or grand theft, don’t tweet about it until you’re safely in the getaway car.

  • And just one final bit of general advice. Anyone who believes that nature abhors a vacuum has not followed @juliaallison. Just say no. Really.

    Don’t know who to follow and who to avoid on Twitter? Use our own handy Twitter guide and you’ll never be forced to read about Julia’s sex life again.

    Twitter Jailbird Image: Social Signals.

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