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Christ Renews eSarcasm Endorsement

eSarcasm is pleased to announce the renewed endorsement of Jesus Christ for the year 2010 A.D. “We feel like our business has been resurrected,” the site’s founders say.

By (@eSarcasm)

January 1, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Jesus Christ EndorsementFollowing His recent endorsement of A Course in Miracles, Jesus Christ, Lord and Saviour to hundreds of millions of the faithful, has announced plans to renew his endorsement of eSarcasm, the World’s Most Heavenly Web Site ™. Christ’s extended endorsement is expected to be formally revealed at an upcoming media event at The Last Supper Club in San Francisco.

“I figured, what the hell?” said the King of Kings in a statement issued this morning via a spokesangel. “I find many of the stories on that site divinely amusing.”

Christ said he’s been approached countless times over the last 2000 years by people seeking the heavenly stamp of approval: the Vatican, NFL franchises, thousands of political candidates, and Mel Gibson. But until last fall, when the Messiah endorsed the cheesy Course in Miracles “mind training system,” He had remained silent.

“I admit, I was afraid of getting overexposed. I mean, look at Tiger Woods. But I’ve been waiting for what feels like an eternity to start getting my name out there again. For Chri… er, sorry, my sake — it’s about damned time.”

eSarcasm coquettish haberdasher co-creator Dan Tynan calls the endorsement a spirit-lifting win.

“Six months ago, JC didn’t know us from Adam,” Tynan says. “To have the Prince of Peace backing our humble site now is a testament to how far we’ve come.”

“Mr. Christ has really been a savior,” adds co-co-creator JR Raphael. “After some tough times, we feel like our business has been resurrected.”

To commemorate the endorsement, eSarcasm will phase in the slogan “What Would Jesus Do? He’d Visit eSarcasm!” The phrase will appear on an upcoming line of custom-branded women’s intimate apparel to be sold at finer department stores sporadic novelty shops nationwide. A 30-city “Your Site, Your Savior” tour is also being planned for early spring.

What Would Jesus Do Thong

(Yes, we know. We’re going to burn in hell for a long, long time.)

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  • Great post. And I'm glad to see that you put Him on the interview circuit.

    Besides the Course in Miracles press release, the only other time that I remember Jesus being quoted was in a Unification Church full page ad in which a number of figures, including Jesus and others, affirmed that Sun Myung Moon was indeed Lord of the Second Advent. One can argue whether or not the Unification Church is a religious or a commercial enterprise, I guess.

    But if you want to know something scary…while I was looking for other press releases that quoted Jesus Christ, I ran across this press release, dated July 12, from Michael Jackson's Church. It reads, in part:

    The life and songs of Michael Jackson are, when you put them in the right perspective, the ultimate lessons about how to live your life, how to live with each other, and how to treat the world in general.

    Despite the promise of the press release, the church website does not yet have any real content. Perhaps the webmaster reconsidered the benefits of using drug cocktails, buying people to bear your children, inviting kids to sleepover parties at your ranch, and other “ultimate lessons” from the recently departed one.

  • LBB

    Jesus, this story's funny.

  • Sreedevi J

    Buddy Christ! Gee, thanks! :)

  • yourmotherNOT

    Nothing like a bit of the 'ol blasphemy to stir things up. It worked for Monty Python after all (well, we don't know what actually happened to Graham Chapman, but we can hope for the best)

  • Scott Ager

    Way too many blogs waste valuable time begging and pandering for readers' approval. eSarcasm wisely took the high road and went straight to the top. J C. has signed off on it. Game over. Nicely done. End of discussion.

  • azhar19

    May you burn in hell for ever

    • Can we at least have the occasional marshmallow roast? That'd be a lovely treat — and c'mon, the fire's already there.

      • smores! they're devilishly delicious.

  • the crypto-cynic

    how tedious that you have to kiss up to techno atheists in order to keep up the rest of your good work

  • Anonymous

    Thongs: they actually have these already:

    • Question: What would Jesus do?

      Answer: He'd tap that ass.

  • Question: What would Jesus do?

    Answer: He'd tap that ass.

  • Val

    @ahzar19 – Silly xian, Hell is for kids.