Alternate Reality

New ‘Apple Killing’ Web Tablet to Debut

‘SarcPad’ to feature every cutting-edge technology known to mankind at an impossibly low price, according to normally reliable sources.

By (@tynanwrites)

August 20, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

sarcpad prototype tablet pcRumors of a new touch-screen tablet are swirling across the InterWebs, but it’s not Apple, Amazon, Plastic Logic, or even TechCrunch that has geeks wetting themselves. This new market-busting tablet is coming from none other than eSarcasm LLC, a newly launched startup operating out of an abandoned dog track in Northern Florida.

According to sources that have proven reliable in the past*, the SarcPad will feature a touchscreen between 2 and 17 inches in diameter; will weigh between 6 ounces and 10 pounds; offer an always-available Internet connection via either 3G, WiFi, or Western Union; and cost anywhere from $99 to $2499.

Like the CrunchPad, the SarcPad will feature special software that generates baseless rumors and completely fabricated stories with just a few taps of the stylus. However, the SarcPad’s stories will be much more believable.

Documents obtained by eSarcasm indicate a device featuring a Telsa coil, walkie-talkies, and optional can opener. The pad will come wrapped in a bullet-proof titanium casing able to stop a .45 caliber slug at 10 yards, and a stylus capable of shooting poison-tipped darts. Sources say that for an unspecifed additional price the SarcPad will perform favors of a sexual nature.

Analysts briefed on the SarcPad immediately dubbed the device “an Apple Tablet Killer,” and predicted that within weeks Steve Jobs would be groveling on eSarcasm’s doorstep, offering to kiss their lily white asses in exchange for the rights to the device.

Officials at eSarcasm vehemently denied all rumors regarding the company’s alleged foray into the hardware business.

“We will not, I repeat not, be coming out with a new SarcPad this fall,” grumbled company co-co-founder JR Raphael. “It will certainly not feature a 10-inch touchscreen, 80211N WiFi and 3G cellular connections, a 5 megapixel camera, a sub-1-pound footprint, and be available for the low low price of only $399. I’m completely ripshit mad over all this unauthorized press BS.”

Later, company officials issued an official statement declaring that it was against company policy to issue official statements.

* We asked them what time it was, and they were right 6 times out of 10.

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