Rants In Our Pants

Sue Facebook, Win a Prize

If you’re using Facebook, it’s surely violated your privacy. Don’t be shy; go ahead and sue their asses. You may have already won! (Newly redacted for your reading pleasure.)

By (@tynanwrites)

February 21, 2012

We have received a take-down request from one of the individuals named in the original version of this story, so we have removed his or her name and replaced his or her photos with pictures of adorable kittens. — The Editors.

Five Southern Californian Facebook users are suing Facebook, charging the social network with violating their privacy by allowing them to use Facebook.

A lawsuit filed by two minors and three adults in an Orange County courtroom alleges that the social network violated state privacy laws and mined personal data for profit.

The list of offenses against the aggrieved is truly egregious. Take the plight of “accomplished actress” REDACTED. After posting her photos to Facebook, REDACTED was quite surprised to discover her photos had been posted to Facebook. Outraged, she’s charging the social network for disseminating her “digital images… without her consent, knowledge, or compensation.”

No word yet on whether the comely brunette also plans to also sue her own Web site, Redacted.com, which contains images of REDACTED accessible by any Internet user, not just her 1,777 Facebook friends. Or MySpace, where the dishy star of [Never even made it to DVD] and [Obscure, embarrassing, and quasi-pornographic] has posted approximately 250 personal images, including a delightfully candid shot of REDACTED checking out a male stripper’s, err, professional qualifications (below).

(Since this post originally appeared, REDACTED has made her MySpace page private, possibly on the advice of her attorney and/or the male stripper’s.)

Also: We understand she’s considering suing her parents for naming her REDACTED. Perhaps they didn’t know how to spell “REDACTA.”

“This suit is in no way a publicity stunt to get my client’s image in front of millions of hormone-crazed geeks who otherwise would never have heard of her,” REDACTED’s manager, Vincent Cirrincione, did not actually say.

Also among the plaintiffs is 11-year-old Xavier O., whose parents are suing Facebook for violating the boy’s medical privacy by allowing him to post “I have swine flu” on his wall. They removed the posting and now demand to know what Facebook has done with it. (It’s not clear whether Xavier had swine flu, but his mother and father apparently did contract a severe case of parentus stupidococcus.)

Also suing: Catherine Aiko, a college student who, according to the suit “joined a ‘Mark Zuckerberg production’ called ‘theFacebook’ in or about May 2005,” and only recently woke up and noticed the site has changed a bit since. That must have been one hell of a hash brownie.

Yet this is only the beginning. eSarcasm has learned of several other completely braindead lawsuits against social networks that may be winding their way thorugh the courts. To wit:

  • A class of completely worthless Twitter users are suing the microblog, claiming that Twitter’s arbitrary limit of 140-characters per tweet is simply not enough space to get their pointlessness across.
  • stripper society on myspace

  • The Los Angeles Association of Professional Pole Dancers and Prostitutes (LAAPPDAP) is suing MySpace for breach of promise, saying the social network is still not skanky enough for them, despite News Corp’s vow to turn it into a complete sluthaven.
  • A group of teen Bebo users are suing AOL for buying the service in March 2008. According to papers filed with the complaint, the teens are suing because “using Bebo used to be, like, hella awesome, and now it feels like going to Wal-Greens with Gramps to buy suppositories.”

Legal experts contacted by eSarcasm predict the number of such lawsuits will continue to rise until God stops making attorneys and/or stupid people, which is not expected before the Great Idiot Purge of 2033.

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