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Sexting, Texting, and Other Back-to-School Tips

Forget those old lists of outdated back-to-school advice — these are the tips today’s teens really need before heading back to the classroom.

By (@JRRaphael)

August 24, 2009

Back to School TipsPack up the backpacks and put away the swimsuits: It’s time for teens to say so long to summer and hello to school.

We here at eSarcasm want to do our part to help the next generation of thinkers prepare for the always-challenging transition. While Web sites such as Parents.com have put together collections of back-to-school tips for teens, we feel their lists are a little lacking when it comes to real-world advice relevant to today’s students. So we’ve assembled some of our own scholastic suggestions for the tech-savvy teen of the 21st century.

Sharpen your pencils and sit up straight, then: Your lesson starts now.

1. When sexting, use only approved abbreviations.

Adults may know what “BJ” means, but they’ll never figure out what you’re saying when you send “PIB-STV” to that hottie in health class. Just make sure not to send “BALL911” unless it’s a real emergency.

2. Don’t send out nude self-pics.

Learn something from Vanessa Hudgens: If you send a pic of your ta-tas to your boy-toy, you could just as well send it to the entire world. Flash your friends in-person instead; it’s far less risky, and no one’s going to be able to upload it to the Internet later.

3. Don’t cheat with your iPhone.

These days, teachers are tuned in and watching for smartphone shenanigans. Catch them off-guard by going old-school with a bottom-of-the-shoe answer key or a collection of info stored in your scientific calculator.

4. Take a break from the texting.

Too much texting can take a toll on your intelligence, according to some recent research. Give your brain a breather and engage in something creative, like vandalization of school property.

5. Stop using your cell phone while driving.

Study after study confirms the danger of chatting on your cell phone while driving. Try behind-the-wheel masturbation instead; research has yet to rule it a hazard, and hands-free is never required.

6. When spreading fake rumors about your frenemy, try LinkedIn instead of Facebook.

It may not get as immediate of a reaction — but 10 years from now, when their boss reads that they “totally went down on Johnny Hooper in the locker room,” the payoff will be absolutely bitchin’.

(Image: 3Wishes.com)

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