Alternate Reality

Report: Microsoft to Begin Crying, Kicking Legs Over IE Negativity

Microsoft is preparing to unveil a new campaign called IE Tantrum, according to sources with inside knowledge. Excessive crying, screaming, and leg-kicking are all expected to be involved.

By (@JRRaphael)

August 17, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Microsoft IE TantrumMicrosoft is planning to begin crying and kicking its legs in response to Web-wide negativity over its Internet Explorer browser, sources close to the matter reveal. IE Tantrum, as the event is being called, is expected to be launched sometime Thursday.

Microsoft has been building up to the IE Tantrum campaign, known internally as “IE-T,” for several months now. Analysts believe the IE-T development efforts began early in the summer, when Microsoft attempted to bribe people into using its browser — a process that reportedly included offers of free oral sex in exchange for IE loyalty.

“That was essentially the start of IE-T beta testing,” notes one analyst, speaking on the condition of anonymity.

The company’s “Get the Facts” campaign, in which the software giant created its own internal analysis of how Internet Explorer compared with competing browsers, is seen as the next significant step in the IE Tantrum development process. That effort was followed up by the IE Treasure Hunt, where Microsoft offered $10,000 in a thinly cloaked promotion to get people to use the software.

“You can see the growth from one step to the next,” the analyst explains. “They were testing the waters and building up to the full IE-T launch.”

Microsoft IE TantrumThe days leading up to this week’s launch have seen a flurry of new pre-IE-T activity, all of which is believed to have been carefully designed to set the stage for Thursday’s big event. First, Microsoft stomped its feet when a push to kill IE6 began to rapidly gain traction. (Killing IE6 is “not an option,” a company rep insisted.) Then, a senior executive pouted and called competing browser Firefox a stupid smelly liar when its creators announced the program had reached 1 billion downloads. Finally, late last week Microsoft commissioned its own study that found, not surprisingly, IE was the most secure browser on the market.

“The signs here are obvious,” a high-ranking Microsoft employee tells eSarcasm. “These pieces collectively pave the way for an all-out tantrum, the likes of which the tech world has never seen.”

The IE Tantrum, sources say, will begin with some high-pitched whining. It will progress to increasingly breathy and unintelligible utterances of statements beginning with “b-b-b-but,” then move quickly into the crying and leg-kicking phase.

“The basic plan here is to keep that up until people give in and start using Internet Explorer again,” says a developer with knowledge of the IE-T program. “Either that, or we’ll eventually just run out of energy and pass out.”

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