Text Messages to Outer Space? Yeah Right, Says Angry Alien
An Australian Web site wants to help you send text messages to another planet. Before you try contacting extraterrestrial life, though, you might want to read this.
The headline sure sounds impressive: “Send messages to outer space.” A Web site called Hello From Earth is collecting 160-character SMS-style texts to be beamed up to Gliese 518d, a planetary body described as “one of the best candidates for life outside our solar system.” All you have to do is head to HelloFromEarth.net, type in your message, and wait for the aliens to respond.
Here’s how it works: Hello From Earth will collect text messages from now until August 23. Once that window ends, the group will work with NASA to translate all the texts into binary code, then shoot them into space as a series of beeps and pauses. The data could take up to 20 years to reach Gliese 518d, Hello From Earth says.
We swear we’re not making this up — even Reuters is talking about it.
Still, we’re not satisfied; twenty years is too long to wait without knowing whether our brilliant musings went through. (For the record, we submitted a space-destined SMS saying: “Chimichangas make us want to cha cha.”) So we made a few calls, and — lo and behold — we tracked down an angry alien living right here on Earth. He agreed to talk to us about the Hello From Earth program, and why he believes it’s a total waste of time.
Here’s our interview with the surly little creature named Arny.
e: Hi, Arny. Thanks for taking the time to chat with us.
Whatever.
e: So, first things first: How long have you been on Earth?
I’ve been stuck on this sorry planet for about 4,000 years now, but it’s only in the last 75 that I’ve started interacting with humans. How did you get my number, anyway?
e: Nevermind that. But you’re actually interacting with people now? They don’t get startled when they see your form?
Well, I don’t interact with them like this, dipshit. I created a facial mask that keeps my basic form, but gives me more typical skin coloring for someone of your species. You mean to tell me you morons actually haven’t figured out that Larry King isn’t one of you?
e: Wait, you’re Larry King? That’s weird.
You’re weird.
e: Charming. Let’s get to the topic at hand, though: the Hello From Earth space messaging program. People are pretty pumped about this thing.
Yeah. Because they’re jackasses.
e: What do you mean?
You really think Glieseans are going to understand an arbitrary series of beeps and boops you’re beaming into their world? Only humans would be arrogant enough to believe their asinine communications system would be universal. It took me 3,596 years to figure out your stupid spoken language. And even I wouldn’t understand these ridiculous beeps you’re sending.
e: Well, I suppose that does make sense. How do you communicate with extraterrestrial life, then?
Twitter.
e: What? How?
You people are so dense. You really haven’t realized that @GuyKawasaki couldn’t possibly be a real person?
e: Huh? You’re Guy Kawasaki, too?
No, numbnuts. There is no Guy Kawasaki. It’s just a front I created to communicate with other aliens. All those links being tweeted by that account are encoded Gliesean dialect — that’s how I chat with my family. That, and through my CNN show. Why do you think I always look so confused when I’m talking on-air as Larry? Encoding into English on the fly isn’t easy.
e: This has all been incredibly enlightening. Let me ask you this in closing: If the Glieseans could send a message to humans at large, what would they say?
Stop trying to send us messages. We don’t care what you have to say.
Oh, and for Christ’s sake, fix Twitter already. That thing goes down more often than Paris Hilton. Believe me, I know.
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