Rants In Our Pants

22 Reasons Why Twitter Crashed

DDOS attack? Angry Russians? As if. We have the real story behind Twitter’s epic fail. And it’s a whole lot more complicated than you might think.

By (@eSarcasm)

August 7, 2009

twitter-whale upside downTwitter went down like a Tijuana hooker yesterday morning and didn’t come up for air until the late afternoon. Speculation raged across the blogosphere as to the cause and the culprit, with theories ranging from jealous hackers launching a botnet attack to angry Russians targeting a Georgian dissident with spam.

At eSarcasm we have the real story. And it’s a lot more complicated than you might think. In fact, there are at least 22 reasons Twitter failed utterly yesterday. Study them, and learn:

1. The Twitter bird flew into a plane near LaGuardia.

2. @GuyKawasaki really needed a day off.

3. Biz Stone got in too deep with the Russian mob.

4. Number of social media gurus on Twitter exceeded actual number of users.

5. Apple banned it, saying Twitter duplicated functionality already available elsewhere.

6. Michael Arrington.

7. Twitter techs accidentally unplugged T1 lines while snorting blow off breasts of hookers in server closet.

8. Those goddamn snakes on that goddamn plane.

9. Ashton Kutcher used TweetDeck, Twhirl, and Twholo at the same time, causing the InterWebs to explode.

10. See? This is what happens when you fire Paula Abdul from American Idol. (We love you Paula.)

11. Twitter’s engineers read on TechCrunch that they’d been acquired, so they didn’t bother showing up to work.

12. DNS servers totally thrown off by RadioShack name change.

13. God hates the word “tweeps.”

14. Testing of Large Hadron Collider caused a spontaneous combustion at Twitter HQ.

15. Somebody called Vladimir Putin “weaseldick.”

16. It’s all Internet Explorer 6’s fault, goddamnit.

17. Fail caused by anonymous douchebags writing “FAIL!” in blog comment fields.

18. Brooke Burke’s breasts got too close to the keyboard while tweeting, creating static electric surge that took out 7 Network Access Points.

19. Profoundness of Oprah’s tweets finally became too much to handle.

20. Unsafe sexting; Twitter caught the clap.


21. Twitter IT team too busy searching for new Vanessa Hudgens nude pics; didn’t notice system had crashed.

22. Kirstie Alley ate the server.

Why do you think Twitter got harpooned? Post your theories below, tweet them to @esarcasm, or email us: contact@esarcasm.com.

Be sure to also read When Twitter Goes Down, the World Goes Crazy to see what people really did during their Twitterless time.

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