Rants In Our Pants

Big Fun: Lifestyle Helpers for the Morbidly Obese

Whether you’re “full figured,” “plus sized” or just plain big as a house, you’re part of a huge market (ahem) waiting to be tapped.

By (@tynanwrites)

August 6, 2009

kirstie alley mary kate olsenDoes your derriere resemble two tractor tires rolling slowly down the highway? Are you having trouble squeezing into that XXXXL muu muu? Did people call you ‘Jumbo’ before you started putting on weight?

Fatty Daddies and Mega Mamas can now rest easy. There’s an entire range of products and services aimed directly at those who are Livin’ Large, and by Large we mean folks who make Kirstie Alley look like Mary Kate Olsen.

There’s fun, there’s sex, there’s even furniture that won’t splinter on impact.

First up: Nothing says sexy like rolls of gelatinous human flesh spilling out of a titanium-reinforced bikini and onto the golden sands. Cue up that Sir Mix-A-Lot dance tape and clear the area of all breakables, it’s time to party at BigOnTheBeach:

LoveVoodoo.com is one of the nation’s fastest growing “Adult Dating” sites, and the company behind Hedonism Fest. Hedonism Fest is known for being the largest Lifestyle trip outside of the United States. When asked, why focus on a trip for full figured people, Todd Crawford, the owner of LoveVoodoo said “LoveVoodoo.com and LoveVoodoo events are known for being very inclusive as opposed to most other events being very exclusive. We want people of all races colors and sizes to attend our events! However, we have found that in the past several years, many of our full figured guests felt uncomfortable around some of the others. We want our members to let loose and feel uninhibited. Another reason for this trip is that many of our male guests are interested in meeting voluptuous women and have been requesting a trip like this for several years.”  It seems that at Big on the Beach, Size Does Matter!

Now that you’ve worked so hard developing that Size 36 figure, you’ll need someplace to store it. Allow us to introduce BrylaneHome’s “Plus Size Living” collection. Ease yourself into one of these babies and you may never get up again — at least, not without the help of an hydraulic lift.

King Kong Chair – Sturdy and strong, the King Kong chair holds up to 800 pounds and offers maximum comfort, including an extra-wide 38” seat, high backrest and side pocket cooler. Powder-coated steel frame and cushioned polyester khaki canvas compact design folds quickly and fits in an easy-to-carry 7”x41” bag. ($99.99)

XL Computer Chair – This ergonomically designed chair has a 29” cushioned seat, lumbar-support back, five legs with smooth-rolling casters and a weight capacity of up to 500 pounds. Arms adjust from 7″-10″ in height; durable metal frame adjusts seat height from 16″ to 21″.  ($199.99)

Big C.A.T. Chair – This lawn chair is extra-large with a patented, heavy-duty powder-coated steel frame that holds up to 500 pounds. However, it is still compact and has a folding design that fits easily in the 7”x 38” shoulder bag. ($49.99)

big john little man

But wait, there’s more. How about the Big John Toilet Seat ($125) for individuals whose gluteus truly is maximus, or an $80 bathroom scale that displays results on a handheld remote because the normal readout is too far below the equator to be seen. Call now, operators are standing by!

Well, at least we think they’re standing. It’s hard to tell when nobody’s seen their feet in 10 years.

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