Alternate Reality   •   Favorites

Internet Explorer 6 Found Brutally Murdered

Microsoft’s Internet Explorer 6 browser has been found brutally murdered, police confirm. The browser had been the target of malicious attacks for years.

By (@JRRaphael)

August 6, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Internet Explorer 6 MurderedInvestigators are searching for a cold-blooded killer who took the life of Internet Explorer 6. Detectives say they found the browser dead at Microsoft’s Redmond headquarters early Thursday morning. Officers confirm they are treating the death as an active murder investigation.

“There’s no question people were targeting the victim,” Redmond Police Chief Doug Updegrave tells eSarcasm. “We had been aware of assassination plots for some time.”

The IE6 Murder Investigation

Internet Explorer 6 — or IE6, as it was commonly called — had been eyed by hackers since its birth in mid-2001. Recently, however, word broke of a more serious and widespread attempt to end its life, as evidenced in the article entitled “Web Citizens Trying to Kill Internet Explorer 6.”

“In recent months, several Web companies have launched sites devoted to the idea of undermining or killing Internet Explorer 6,” the article explains.

Kill Internet Explorer 6

The body of IE6, according to a police report, was badly bruised and disfigured. Police are not yet saying whether a weapon was involved, but they do indicate multiple attackers were likely involved.

“We are currently seeking several dozen perpetrators we believe played a role in this homicide,” Chief Updegrave says.

Parr Being Questioned

Ben ParrPolice confirm they are currently questioning at least one leader of the anti-IE6 movement, Mashable Associate Editor Ben Parr — though they are not going as far to call him a suspect at this point. Parr recently published a blog posting entitled “IE6 Must Die for the Web to Move On.” In the story, Parr makes a passionate argument for the killing of IE6.

“We’ve sputtered on with the dead weight of IE6 since 2001,” Parr writes, “but we’re just now reaching a breaking point.”

Witnesses report seeing someone who matches Parr’s description near the Microsoft campus late Wednesday night. Police have yet to say whether those claims will play a role in his questioning.

IE Family Reaction

The family of IE6, including its well-known siblings IE7 and IE8, declined to be interviewed about the death. They did, however, issue the following statement through family spokesperson Clippy:

“We are deeply saddened by the loss of our beloved browser. IE6 was more than a second-rate, outdated Internet utility. To us, it was family. We hope you will join us in mourning its loss and identifying the heartless souls who committed such a heinous and reprehensible crime.”

Funeral arrangements are now pending. A public online memorial service is also being planned; however, it will be streamed only via Microsoft Silverlight, so odds are, you won’t be able to see it.

Get fresh geek humor delivered daily: RSS | E-Mail | Twitter