Rants In Our Pants

eSarcasm Sexting Story Causes Pandemonium, Halitosis

Tony Danza, Richard Gere’s pet gerbil, and a legion of text-crazy teenagers – all contacted us about our story on teen sexting. And boy were they pissed.

By (@tynanwrites)

August 6, 2009

25 new sexting acronyms

Well, we wanted to debut with a bang, and we succeeded.

Our story, “25 More Sexting Acronyms Parents Should Know,” caused quite a stir in the blogosphere. It seems articles about sexting are big news these days. We received emails, comments, pageviews up the wazoo, and threats of a legal nature. Here’s just a sampling:

* Our very own Dr. Smartass was invited to appear on “To Catch A Predator” with Chris Hansen. He declined. (“Been there, done that,” he says.)

* Tony Danza’s agent called and said the actor/crooner was available for any parts featuring aging Italian-American cab drivers, boxers, or house cleaners. We told him to send us a couple of recent headshots and we’d get back to him.

* We received a sternly worded letter from the attorney for Richard Gere’s pet Gerbil, Howard, who asked us to please publish the following statement:

“I did not have sexual relations with that actor. I wish people would please stop making jokes about that, it stopped being funny a long time ago. I have a wife and 3,452 children, and it is deeply painful to me.”

He also asked us to resist making further cracks about the “deeply painful” bit. We’re trying, but it’s not easy.

* We received a letter from the National Association of People With Extra Nipples (NAPWEN) asking us to please stop mocking them. We framed that one. The logo alone was worth it.
Doc Gurly + foam penis with caption

* Our story was featured in comforting proximity to a photo of an enormous foam penis on the San Francisco Chronicle’s SFgate.com, courtesy of their medical blogger, Doc Gurley. Our Dr. Smartass wrote Gurley a thank you note, which resulted in our very first Cease & Desist Letter. We are so proud.

But the most enthusiastic response came from legions of text-crazed teens on I-Am-Bored.com, a social media sharing site not unlike Digg, but without all the old farts screwing everything up. The IAB crew even contributed a few sexting acronyms of their own:

IFLIWML – I Feel Like I Wasted My Life
NTYAIFO – No Thank You, Ass Is Falling Out
GE!..NLI — Got Erection!…No, Lost It
ITIAGHFAT – I Think I Accidentally Got Head From A Tranny*

And the inevitable

IHIWPTAGSOWAMASAOOIJSIAA — I Hate It When People Take A Giant String Of Words And Make A Stupid Acronym Out Of It Just So It’s An Acronym. 

Folks, we think you can do better. Submit your own sexting acronyms by posting them in the comments below or tweeting them to @esarcasm. The best/funniest ones** will qualify for FABULOUS*** PRIZES!!!

* Actually this one was from Digg. But it should have been on I-Am-Bored.

** As determined by the warped minds behind eSarcasm LLC. (Sorry, all decisions of the judges are final. Go complain to Paula Abdul if you don’t like it.)

*** Prizes are real, but fabulousness not guaranteed. Void where prohibited by law.

Photo: Doc Gurley (thanks, Doc)

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  • tardalicious

    You forgot…


    (I just farted on your face)


    (I didn't need to know you're on your period. Damn. Too much information.)

  • IHIWPTAGSOWAMASAOOIJSIAA — by far my favorite. Thanks alot for taking me from perfectly productive to puddle of incoherent giggles in 5 seconds.


    (Could you please explain to me why it suddenly smells like beef in here)


    (Seriously dude. Shut your butt.)


    (No way. Jesus wouldn't do that.)


    (I wonder what would happen if I stuck it in your ear. Do you think I could literally fuck your brains out? I wonder if it's big enough to come out the other side. Eww. I just realized I'd get ear wax on my penis. That's just gross.)

    • Anonymous

      You have a really dirty mind


    (I'm missing a pair of my panties. I swear to god, you fucking perv, I bet you're sniffing them right now.


    (I can see you looking at me through those binoculars)


    (Yes, they're real. Now quit staring.)


    (Oh shit! I forgot about the tampon I put in last week)


    (I'd fuck you right now if I didn't have that tampon in my cooch)

  • Pingback: So Long, Sexting: 15 Trendy New Tech Terms For 2010()

  • Anonymous

    You have a really dirty mind