Messages From the Dead, via E-Mail

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Any last words? Tell ‘em to Outlook. Leaving your parting thoughts via e-mail, it seems, is the hip new way to say so long. For as little as $75 (and a small piece of your soul), a slightly morbid new service called The Last Messages Club will let you submit e-mails to be sent after you die.

“Messages are held in complete confidence and only mailed once the member’s death has been confirmed,” the site promises.

Confidence, schmonfidence. We hacked into the company’s computers and discovered some big names in the world of tech had already signed up and scheduled messages. Here’s a sampling of the e-mails we found.

Dear Sergey,

Those “privacy policies” we made up were hilarious! Go ahead and release all that user data to the government now. I only wish I could be there to see the conspiracy theorists being hailed as heroes.

              -Larry Page

Dear Twitter followers,

My Twitter feed will keep sending out the same number of story links every day. Please don’t stop following it because of my demise.

              -Guy Kawasaki

Dear TechCrunch readers,

All those “unnamed sources” were actually Erick Schonfeld.

              -Michael Arrington

Dear Mr. Zuckerberg,

Thanks for lending me that white t-shirt. I really enjoyed wearing it.

              -Tom Anderson

@Biz,

Sorry I never came up with that business plan. My bad.

              -Evan Williams

Dear Apple executives,

Once you receive this, enter code “IPHONE666″ into the main control panel in my office. That’ll activate the remote takeover app and engage the army of iPhone-carrying human-droids we’ve secretly been creating.

              -Steve Jobs

Dear Steve Ballmer,

God, I hate you.

              -Bill Gates

Dear Carol Bartz,

I could have done just as well, if only they’d given me another year. (And a puppetmaster who could have told me what to do.)

              Also, please put “Chief Yahoo” in my epitaph.

              -Jerry Yang

Dear Wikipedians,

For Christ’s sake, can you at least get the cause of death right in my damned entry?

              -Jimmy Wales

Dear all tech Web sites,

Fail.

              -Annoying guy who leaves “fail” comments on all tech Web sites

Dear Dan Tynan,

I never told you this, but before I wrote that story about e-mails sent after death, I signed up for the service and sent one to you. This is it! Hope you’re well.

              -JR Raphael

Dear JR Raphael,

If I ever find out you sent me a post-death e-mail, I swear to God I’m going to kill you.

              -Dan Tynan

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