Frak The Shack: 25 Better Ways to Rebrand RadioShack
RadioShack is attempting to reinvent itself by taking on a new name: “The Shack.” Come on, RS — you can do better than that. Here are 25 more appropriate alternatives.
RadioShack wants to be your friend. So the 472-year-old electronics retailer announced this week it would take on a new name, “The Shack,” because “people trust friends, not corporations.” At least, that’s how Lee Applbaum, corporate tool for “The Shack,” explains it. (The middle “e” in Applbaum’s name, we assume, was removed during a previous rebranding.)
If you’re feeling an odd sense of déjà vu, don’t worry: You aren’t alone. Circuit City tried adopting “The City” a couple years back — an experiment that clearly ended well — and Pizza Hut recently fooled us all into believing it served healthy cuisine by becoming “The Hut.”
When “a brand becomes a friend,” sometimes the kindest thing is to tell him his breath could drop a buzzard at 100 yards and he’s not going to get laid in his lifetime unless he starts showering on a predictable basis. Well RadioShack, old friend, we’d like to tell you that your new name is a little lacking.
But not to fear; eSarcasm is here. We’ve come up with 25 far more suitable alternatives. So toss “The Shack” aside, RS, and get ready for your shiny new identity.
1. The Shaft
We’ll screw you hard, just like we always have.
2. Radio Snack
What other electronics store is five feet from Orange Julius?
3. Shoebox Full-o-Crap
Our new policy: total honesty.
4. rZIP
We’ve always wanted to know your ZIP code and phone number, even if you’re just buying batteries. Don’t ask why.
5. Telegraph Cottage
Embracing our antiquated nature.
6. The Yak
Now featuring 5-foot-by-5-foot petting zoos in all stores!
7. Wires-R-Us
Also plugs. And adapters. TVs & Xboxes? Not so much.
8. Shack Therapy
Because the drugs weren’t working.
9. Circuit Shitty
The best of RS and Circuit City. Also the worst.
10. Chili’s
No, we’re not the place with the baby back ribs. But if you think we are, maybe you’ll come in. (We will offer 2-for-1 fajitas on Wednesdays.)
11. RadioShak
There’s no “C,” you see? Are we clever or what?
12. Schackadelic
It’s groovy baby.
13. Batteries, Batteries, and More Batteries
Hey, it’s what we do best.
14. The Quack
If you’re absolutely nuts, you’ll love this place.
15. Shack Off
Because shopping at The Shack is something you don’t want friends to witness.
16. Radio Shat
Someone did, anyway. Could we get a courtesy flush?
17. Radio Active
We’ll make you sterile now. You’ll thank us later.
18. Radio Slut
Our staff will do anything — and we mean anything — to keep you satisfied.
19. Shack in the Box
Fast, hot, and tastes like dried-up dung. We also plan to employ an obnoxious spokesfigure with a ping pong ball for a head.
20. Smells Like Grandpa
Not pleasant, exactly, but accurate.
21. BB Junior
It’s like Best Buy, only smaller. Way smaller.
22. Rhymes With Crack
Going for the under-served homeboyz market.
23. The RadioHut
Two places with newly shortened names join forces. Buy your batteries, then grab a slice!
24. DandyTandies
Anyone wanna buy a used TRS-80?
25. I make $5.25 an Hour and Do Not Give a Flying Fuck
#1 choice of RS employees.
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