Alternate Reality

Technology is Trying to Kill Us

Just as you suspected, your gadgets really are out to get you. eSarcasm unravels the fiendish plot behind the, umm, plot. (Hint: The Amish are to blame.)

By (@tynanwrites)

August 4, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

iPhone_KillerIt’s become increasingly evident that the more we use technology in our day-to-day lives, the likelier we are to die. Recent news stories just bear this out.

Consider these facts:

* The number of computer related injuries has increased a stunning 732 percent since 1994, according to a recent report by US National Electronic Injury Surveillance System. (Coincidentally, the amount of US national surveillance of electronic injuries has also increased seven fold in that time period.)

* A study by psychologists at the University of Utah has found that driving while talking on your cell phone can be more dangerous than driving while intoxicated. In tests using a driving simulator, drivers with blood alcohol levels of .08 actually did better than sober cell phoners, who crashed on three occasions. The simulator is still in the shop (and boy is Dad is going to be pissed when he sees the bill).

* If you think talking is bad, try texting. Shooting off a quick SMS as you weave through traffic increases your risk of an accident by 2300 percent, according to the Virginia Tech Transportation Institute, which placed hidden cameras inside trucks to record what happened when drivers picked up their keypads. Next, the VTTI plans to study accidents caused by placing hidden cameras inside trucks.

* Ever visit a tanning salon to get that “Just spent a week visiting my money in the Caymans” look when you actually spent the whole time surfing porn? You might as well drink a tumbler of rat poison. According to a new study by the World Health Organization, tanning beds are “as deadly as arsenic.” In fact, 9 out of 10 rats surveyed said they would rather snort D-Con than look like George Hamilton.

The inescapable conclusion? Technology is out to destroy humanity.

In fact, eSarcasm has learned these findings are no accident. They are all part of a fiendish plot cooked up by – yes — the Amish. Their goal: to build technology that is both addictive and utterly destructive to non-Amish people.

It turns out this quaint clan of dorkishly-clad Plain People, who have eschewed all technological advancements since Eli Whitney’s cotton gin in 1792, are secretly responsible for nearly all major tech innovations of the last 40 years, including personal computers, cell phones, and the JackRabbit vibrator.
seth green amish killer

We spoke with Amish Director of R&D Moses Stoltzfus* via two tin cans connected by 1500 miles of fiber-optic string.

“Ya, it is true, we are attempting to remove the heathens,” admits Stoltzfus. “What are we supposed to do, spend all our time making quilts and raising barns while you destroy the planet? We may wear silly hats and funny-looking beards, but we’re not stupid.”

Operating out of a super-secret production facility in an abandoned coal mine in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, teams of engineers work round the clock under the watchful eyes of their oddly bearded task masters.

The Amish are forbidden from using these products, so Stoltzfus secretly recruits disgruntled employees from companies like Nintendo and Samsung to build them. When the products are finished, they’re distributed via horse-drawn carriage to Best Buys, Frys, and other retail chains.
amishzon spindle

Unfortunately, R&D costs are rising, Stoltzfus says, and the Amish can no longer cover their expenses by selling creepy clothes-pin dolls at local fairs. So they’ve decided to launch an online superstore featuring all Amish products. The new site,, will be unveiled later this year.

“The site will have all der usual bells and whistles, including actual bells and whistles,” adds Stoltzfus. “And unlike some online stores, we will not be able to sneak into your homes and take products back while you sleep. That is not the Amishzon way.”

* Not his real name

Photo: iPhone killer courtesy of Maximum PC.

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