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7 Things That’ll Stop You From Becoming a Chinese Astronaut

China’s searching for “superhumans” in its next-generation of astronauts, and anything from bad breath to body odor will take you out of the running. Think you could pass the test?

By (@jr_raphael)

August 4, 2009

My old college roommate could never be an astronaut in China.

China Astronauts: No Bad Breath, No Body OdorA newly leaked list of requirements shows just what the country is seeking in its next team of space explorers, you see, and body odor will get you booted before you can say “take me to the tasty Tang.”

The list, published in China Daily, is reportedly part of China’s mission to find an elite group of “superhumans” to send into space. (Stinky feet, evidently, are not so super.) Some of the requirements are straight-forward — no histories of serious illness, for example, or no active cases of ringworm — but others are a bit more amusing. Here’s a breakdown of our seven favorites.

Orange Astronaut

1. No body odor.

The official explanation: “The bad smell would affect their fellow colleagues in a narrow space.” You’re worried about their colleagues? They’d probably end up taking their own lives after five minutes in a spacesuit with that stench.

Orange Astronaut

2. No disapproving wife.

Disapproving of your going on a space mission, that is. If she just generally hates you, you’re golden.

Orange Astronaut

3. No runny nose.

Sorry, Linus. Zero gravity would make the sniffles a real bitch.

Orange Astronaut

4. No bad breath.

Yeeeeah. All of us at the office have been meaning to tell you, pal — those Tic Tacs just aren’t cuttin’ it. Oh, and we’re implementing the same policy here. Consider this your 30-day warning.

Orange Astronaut

5. No scars.

Do those from breast augmentation count? Because if so, we have to take issue with this one.

Orange Astronaut

6. No drug allergies.

Don’t worry, Astronaut Candidate Winehouse — drug dependencies don’t count as “allergies.”

Orange Astronaut

7. Must have a “pleasant and adaptable disposition.”

Oh, bloody hell. There go our plans to send our favorite TechCrunch editor into orbit.

Arrington In Space






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