Rants In Our Pants

The Microsoft-Yahoo Announcement: A Bullshit-Free Translation

Microsoft and Yahoo are together at last, but don’t believe all the hype. We ran the companies’ official press release through our bullshit translation software to see what’s really going on.

By (@jr_raphael)

July 29, 2009

Microsoft Yahoo AnnouncementRoss and Rachel — er, sorry, Microsoft and Yahoo — have finally given into their primal desires. After what seemed like decades of a will-they, won’t-they courtship, the two companies have agreed to get in bed together and act out their naughtiest (search-related) fantasies.

Not surprisingly, the formal announcement of the agreement is filled with carefully crafted PR-friendly statements, which can make it tough to know the true story. But fear not, dear friends, for we here at eSarcasm have you covered. We’ve employed our exclusive Bullshit Translator 2.0 ™ technology to expose the real meanings behind all the corporate mumbo-jumbo.

Just remember: The truth isn’t always as pretty as it looked with all that makeup the night before.

Translation

Translation #1: Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer’s Statement

From the press release:

“Through this agreement with Yahoo, we will create more innovation in search, better value for advertisers and real consumer choice in a market currently dominated by a single company.”

The Bullshit Translator 2.0 ™ interpretation:

“Microsoft is used to being the single company that dominates a market and doesn’t encourage consumer choice. Hopefully, with this new deal, we can finally achieve that status in the search market as well.”

Translation

Translation #2: Yahoo CEO Carol Bartz’s Statement

From the press release:

“This agreement comes with boatloads of value for Yahoo, our users, and the industry. And I believe it establishes the foundation for a new era of Internet innovation and development.”

The Bullshit Translator 2.0 ™ interpretation:

“This agreement would have come with shitloads more value for Yahoo had we done it a year ago. Still, I believe it establishes new proof that Jerry Yang has no idea how to run a company. God, I’m sick of cleaning up that ass-clown’s mess.”

Translation

Translation #3: Microsoft’s Role in the Partnership

From the press release:

Microsoft’s competitive search platforms will lead to more value for advertisers, better results for web publishers, and increased innovation and efficiency across the Internet.

The Bullshit Translator 2.0 ™ interpretation:

Microsoft’s barely-making-a-blip-on-the-radar-despite-a-silly-name-change search platform will finally be able to make some cash by having more than 14 people visiting it per day.

Translation

Translation #4: Yahoo’s Role in the Partnership

From the press release:

Under this agreement, Yahoo will focus on its core business of providing consumers with great experiences with the world’s favorite online destinations and Web products.

The Bullshit Translator 2.0 ™ interpretation:

[BT 2.0 ERROR: No translations found for "Yahoo core business"; sentence cannot be translated]

Translation

Translation #5: The Yahoo Board’s Statement

From the press release:

“This deal fits the long-term strategic direction of Yahoo to remain the world’s leading online media company and Carol Bartz has the full and unanimous support of the Yahoo Board behind this deal.” –Roy Bostock, Yahoo chairman

The Bullshit Translator 2.0 ™ interpretation:

“This deal fits the long-term strategic direction of Yahoo to stop being the punchline of 70 percent of tech-related jokes. Carol Bartz has the full and unanimous support of the Yahoo Board behind this deal, except for Yang, who’s probably off somewhere eating a jelly sandwich. We haven’t let that guy inside the building in months.” –Roy Bostock, Yahoo chairman

Translation

Translation #6: User Privacy

From the press release:

The agreement protects consumer privacy by limiting the data shared between the companies to the minimum necessary to operate. … The agreement maintains the industry-leading privacy practices that each company follows today.

The Bullshit Translator 2.0 ™ interpretation:

The agreement mines as much consumer data as humanly possible without being completely obvious about it. The agreement will attempt to replicate the amazing level of profit potential Google has achieved with its privacy practices — you know, the “industry-leading” ones.

Translation

Translation #7: What Will Change

From the press release:

For Web users and advertisers, this deal will accelerate the pace and breadth of innovation by combining both companies’ complementary strengths and search platforms into a market competitor with the scale to fuel sustained development in search and search advertising.

The Bullshit Translator 2.0 ™ interpretation:

For Web users, this deal won’t make much difference except for the debut of a new series of highly annoying ads.

Translation

Translation #8: What Won’t Change

From the press release:

The agreement does not cover each company’s Web properties and products, e-mail, instant messaging, display advertising, or any other aspect of the companies’ businesses. In those areas, the companies will continue to compete vigorously.

The Bullshit Translator 2.0 ™ interpretation:

The agreement will allow users to continue to utilize Hotmail, Yahoo Mail, and other subpar Web services. But GeoCities is still dead. Sorry, kiddos.






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