Dumb Product Deathmatch: Bacon Soap vs. Hair Diamonds
Reddit has launched a new line of meat-scented soaps, while a jewelry-maker is selling diamonds made from Michael Jackson’s hair. Which product stinks worse?
The Internet’s made for marketing — hell, the late-night infomercial’s got nothing on the power of social media. It’s no surprise, then, to see piles and piles of Web-pushed products making the spray-on baldness cure look like a spark of genius.
Today, we pit two pieces of marketing silliness against each other: a new line of meat-scented soaps from social sharing site Reddit, and an upcoming collection of diamonds supposedly made from Michael Jackson’s hair. Which asinine idea will be the last one standing?
Round 1: Audience Exploitation
The Reddit soap certainly tries to exploit the level of devotion users have to the service, playing off a running joke of bacon-scented self-cleaners. From the product page:
“For those of you religious crazies who demanded a bacon soap… We have a bacon soap for you. That’s right, your favorite Alien comes in a bacon fragrance that is going to make you a fan of every dog, raccoon, and cannibal pig in your neighborhood. Oh, and the envy of every bacon fan you know!”
In contrast, the Michael Jackson hair-diamonds — said to be made from a lock of the late pop star’s hair singed during a Pepsi commercial shoot — try to exploit the global mourning of a iconic figure’s death. In a weird way, too. From the press release:
“When executive producer Ralph Cohen scooped up the charred hair Michael Jackson lost in the filming of the now-infamous Pepsi commercial, he had no idea that he was saving an important piece of history.
Now, this closest connection to Jackson himself is being preserved by John Reznikoff and LifeGem. Reznikoff is one of America’s most highly respected collectors, and LifeGem is the world’s first purveyor of diamond memorials created from the carbon in a lock of hair.”
That’s just, well, bad. Sorry, hair jewelers — round 1 goes to Reddit.
Round 2: Self-Awareness
Reddit’s soap seems to be aware of its own silly nature. Case in point:
“This will help you look your best if you think you might actually be going on a date with a girl who wants to check out your Geocache, or if you recently quit WoW, or just taking a hygiene break from the LAN party.”
The Michael Jackson hair-diamonds, on the other hand, take themselves seriously. Very seriously:
“The provenance and authenticity of this lock of hair is impeccable, including the highly publicized video showing the original owner of the hair using his Armani jacket to extinguish Jackson’s hair.”
Once again, not even a contest. Reddit takes a second consecutive round.
Round 3: How Dumb You’ll Look After Buying the Product
Despite its stupidity, the Reddit soap has clear geek insider appeal. For $9, you’ll look only mildly dumb for buying it; after all, it’s obviously a novelty product and could serve as a good conversation-starter (assuming the only people with whom you start conversations are men with thick glasses who rarely leave their homes).
As for the Michael Jackson hair-diamonds — well, read the general description of the company’s hair-gems and decide for yourself.
“Whether you’ve lost a loved one or simply want to celebrate your love, the LifeGem diamond provides a way to embrace your loved one’s memory day by day. The LifeGem is the most unique and timeless tribute available for creating a testimony to their unique life. Your LifeGem memorial will offer comfort and support when and where you need it, and provide a lasting memory that endures just as a diamond does. Forever.”
I think we can all agree we have a knockout on our hands. Congratulations, Reddit soap: You are the less objectionable dumb Web product of the week. Now, for the love of God, go wash that disgusting bacon smell off yourself before we vote you down and leave a rambling comment.
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