Alternate Reality

Babes in Boyland: Why Women Are Getting Hotter

Women are getting hotter, men are getting notter, according to new research conducted at the University of Helsinki. eSarcasm explains why this is happening, and what you can do about it.

By (@tynanwrites)

July 27, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

angelina jolie mickey rourkeIt’s not your imagination: Your girlfriend, wife, and the waitresses at Hooters really are getting better looking. Men, however, continue to look like something the cat yakked up, and it’s only getting worse, say scientists.

Researchers at the University of Helsinki have discovered attractive women have 16 percent more children than their doggish rivals. This study builds on one conducted in 2006 by the London School of Economics, which found that attractive couples are far more likely to produce daughters. Put those two results together, and we have a situation where the number of smokin’ hotties increases every year.

Men, on the other hand, “remain as aesthetically unappealing as their caveman ancestors,” according to the University of Helsinki’s Markus Jokela, who is not exactly Brad Pitt himself.

Research conducted independently by eSarcasm confirms these results. Over the last decade women have gained an average of more than 2 points on the Bowser-Wowser Scale of Babaliciousness (BWSB), according to our own Dr. Stanley L. Dorkus (aka Dr. Smartass), who has spent more than 20 years intensively investigating the topic. Men, however, have dropped more than 5 points on the Cruise-Clooney Typology for Hunkerocity (CCTH).  

A number of factors are responsible for the change, including the increased use of surgical procedures. However, when Angelina Jolie was removed from the female test sample, BWSB scores approached normal levels.

Similarly, the continued existence of Mickey Rourke and Nick Nolte were blamed for the drop in male attractiveness over time. 

“If you look like your face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with a meat tenderizer, that can’t help but bring down the average for everyone,” explains Dorkus. “I think the solution is clear. Unattractive men must be allowed to mate with the world’s most beautiful women. That’s the only fair way to level the playing field.”

Angelina Jolie was unavailable for comment, but issued the following statement through a spokesperson: “Dream on, nerd boy.”

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