Dr. Smartass

Science Says Size Matters

It turns out size may matter when it comes to satisfying women — just not in the way you probably think. Dr. Smartass explains.

By (@doctorsmartass)

July 26, 2009

Got a question for Dr. Smartass? E-mail doc [at] esarcasm.com.

Dr. SmartassGreetings, good citizens, near and far! I am honored to have finally joined the ranks of esteemed willing writers here at eSarcasm. For those of you who missed the announcement, I am Dr. Stanley L. Dorkus — better known across the World Wide Webbages as Dr. Smartass. I’ll be joining Dale and Junior to help deliver stimulating scientific discoveries and answer all your quirky questions.

Let’s start by tackling one of the more tantalizing queries to reach my inbox so far:

Dear Dr. Smartass,

I don’t want to sound snobby, but I’ve noticed the best sex I have is always with rich guys. Am I just shallow, or is there something to that?


Carrie, you money-hungry little coot! Oh, I jest. The truth is there may be some science behind your whorish behavior.

A recent study suggests the bigger a man’s wallet, the more he’s able to make his lady moan. The researchers surveyed thousands of women and found the gals who got freaky with wealthy men had the most frequent orgasms. Why? Because, the scientists think, a bulging billfold may signal a better mate.

“It appears consistent with the view that female orgasm has an evolved adaptive function,” lead research Dr. Thomas Pollet explains. “It serves to discriminate between males on the basis of their quality. … More desirable mates cause women to experience more orgasms.”

Does Size Matter?For the record, ladies, Dr. Smartass is rich at heart, even if not on paper.

But gentlemen, before you lock yourselves in the bathroom with boxes of tissues — for crying, you twisted twits — take note of this: Size (of the wallet) may not be everything. Some in the science community argue that the currency-induced climax theory is flawed, claiming there’s no proof that the money itself is what led to the moaning. In fact, some sexologists say you shouldn’t put much stock into what women say about their sexual satisfaction at all — a suggestion sure to mend many male egos. Me hopes Mrs. Smartass is listening:

“When women say they have experienced orgasm, we do not have to believe them,” Dr. Nigel Barber, an evolutionary psychology, writes in Psychology Today. “That is not because they are willing to lie, like Elaine in Seinfeld, but because women tend to define orgasm in terms of an emotional high rather than just involuntary muscular contractions and accompanying physical sensations.”

And, for the real money shot:

“Female reports of orgasm are so intrinsically subjective that they are tough to use as scientific data without some sort of corroborating evidence.”

That, my friends, is why Dr. Smartass always makes sure to leave “corroborating evidence” of his good times behind.

Until next time,

Dr. Smartass

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