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Your Cheatin’ Art

Want to break a few Commandments? Sites like the Ashley Madison Agency make adultery as easy as 123. But repent, would-be sinners, before you tumble into the pit of Hell.

By (@tynanwrites)

August 3, 2009

hottie fattie online datingLooking for a little hot action on the side? (Yeah, you; don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.) You’re in luck. The Ashley Madison Agency makes it easy to step out on your spouse.

No bones about it; AMA is all about coveting they neighbor’s nookie. The site’s motto? “Life is short. Have an affair.” Since it launched in 2001 some 2.5 million members have completed hookups while their better halves were out bowling, buying groceries, or getting a little themselves, according to CEO Noel Biderman.

In fact, the site is so racy that one of its ads was banned from appearing during the 2009 Super Bowl . When something can’t meet the Super Bowl’s standards for tastefulness, you know it’s got to be good.

Creating a profile on Ashley Madison is free. Just fill out a form stating your “intimate interests” (from tickling to Tantric), describe your perfect match (say, a stylish/classy naughty girl with good personal hygiene and natural breasts), and what you’re interested in besides, well, the obvious. You can stick to the tick boxes or write up your own wants/needs/fetishes in as much detail as you like. Post a photo if you choose, and you’re off to the races.

Even better, you can access the site via your iPhone or Blackberry. (“Sorry honey, hate to miss dinner, but the boss just called and there’s an urgent board meeting at the No-Tell Motel. Gotta run.”) Is this a great country, or what?
ashley madison superbowl ad

Of course, if you want to do anything more than look it’ll cost you $249 for a membership, plus $49 for the credits you need to obtain other members’ “keys” (contact info). But not to worry. Ashley Madison guarantees if you follow their guidelines, Mr. Happy will soon be going for a swim, with or without a wetsuit – or they’ll refund your money.

We know what you’re thinking: Where do I sign up? Not so fast, kemosabe. Weed out the obvious hookers and the hot young things looking for a “sugar daddy” (aka, the non-obvious hookers) and you’re largely left with horney housefraus whose best years are behind them — and that’s not the only thing they’re carrying behind them.

Worse, the more time you spend on sites like AMA, the less likely you are to make a good choice, especially when the little head is doing the driving. As a recent story in MIT Technology Review notes, “New research about online dating sites shows that users presented with too many choices experience ‘cognitive overload’ and make poorer decisions as a result.” 

Brother, you don’t know the half of it. To keep you from making a big mistake involving lawyers and possibly small arms fire, I signed up and poked around a few profiles (it’s just research honey, I swear).

What did I find? The following choice excerpts will give you an idea. (The names have been removed to protect the dalliant.) Buckle your seat belts, it’s gonna get bumpy.

I like to play between extremes! Sometimes dom… sometimes sub. I am a squirter as well ;-)

Fortunately, I always pack a poncho.

You like spice but are not overly kinky. You are super fun and can laugh until you wet your pants.

Actually, my pants are already wet. Must have been last night’s squirter. Should have packed a squeegee, too.

My perfect match is someone who reads profiles in their entirety BEFORE sending someone pictures of their penis.

Couldn’t you have said something before I clicked ‘send’ ?

UPDATE: Im ONLY intersted in an ongoing “Friends /w Beneficial” relationship.

Well, I used to bank with Beneficial, but I switched to B of A. Are you still intersted?

I joined this site because too many men I met elsewhere would say they were divorced or their wife was eaten by zombies or they are single.

So the whole ‘eaten by zombies’ thing… how exactly does that work?

Answer this question and I will take you out for the night (at least dinner)… In the world of knowledge, if 0 represents not knowing ANYTHING about a topic and 10 represents knowing EVERYTHING, about a topic what is the common thread that separates them from the other levels of knowledge?

I have no fucking idea. Can I call my lifeline?

Do not contact me if you are attached in any way (with or without your partner wanting to know), are more than 50 miles away, or just want to show me how proud you are of sticking it in other people. And don’t waste your time trying to inform me of something you think I don’t know. There are plenty of single people here and, last I checked, it was still a free country (not for long, I’m sure) and I can use any damn site I choose.

Three words: Anger Management Classes. Try the Yellow Pages.

….I have the naughtiest pictures! You like my legs?….you should see what I have when they are open! I am Wild FUN and love to have a dick in my mouth! As you know women are “hunted” on this site and I receive tons of winks and key requests….but what will REALLY get my attention is a personal email to stand out….I always read those!!! OK, one more addition….apparently i have NO BOUNDRIES!!!! LOL

By “boundries,” of course, you mean grammar, spelling, and punctuation. Rite?!!?

I’d think everyone would be turned off by drug addicts or the diseased, but hey I could be wrong

Diseased drug addict? Baby, we were meant for each other.

Bottom line: Fidelity has never looked more attractive. Thank you, Ashley Madison, for saving my marriage.

Photos: Rose of Niagra (not on Ashley Madison, as far as I know); Ashley Madison

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